Surreality
This weekend was an eventful one. Our friends had their baby 5 weeks early. He arrived early Friday morning. We went to visit that evening. Everyone seemed to be doing well. It's hard to believe our bodies can produce these tiny perfect little beings. That was the first time I have been back on the maternity ward since having Audrey. I was surprised at the emotions that came rushing back.
It made all those feelings of excitement and fear about the birth come rushing back to me. As well as the feelings of overwhelming sadness and frustration that I also experienced shortly after the birth. When we arrived for our visit the mama was in 'the pumping room'. Another room I was very familiar with during my week stay in the hospital. The surreal part of our visit was the fact that even though being there made me feel like I'd just gave birth yesterday I stared at my almost 9 month old girl and there was the proof that I hadn't. She was crawling all over the room and trying to get up on the bed. I just kept thinking, '8 and a half months ago when we were here you couldn't even manage to eat. And now look at you!' Talk about a reality check!
Since having A, every time someone I know has a baby I have feel a strong responsibility to do everything I can for them. I want things to be easier for them than they were for me. I want to prevent everyone from going through the crap that I went through. People put on a brave face, want everybody to think that things are great. But I don't buy it. I know about the hormones coursing through your body. I know about the sleep deprivation. I know about how desperately you just want to feel normal again. I just want to be there. Be someone who knows and will listen. Nothing will shock me. Just spill it.
But maybe it was just me. Maybe having a baby is a lovely experience for everyone else. Perhaps other women take it all in stride. Embrace the hormone surges, say “Bring it on!” to the sleep deprivation. Maybe they want everyone to back off and let them do it on their own. But from my experience, and from what most other mama's I've met here have told me... I don't think so.
7 comments:
Hey I remember that picture! I know what you mean about going back to the matrinaty ward. I took Boo a while back ago to the nursery to show how well he was doing, and it was just too strange.
You're great at being there by the way :)
I don't think you're alone in the idea that it's hard to be a first time mom! I have very fuzzy memories of that time...mostly because I was on drugs and I just don't remember. I do, however, remember the hormonal changes that I went thru....that was AWFUL!! I'm glad that you are there to help others who are in that situation....what a great friend! :)
That is one of the most precious pictures I've seen. I love it!! My friend just had her baby 9 weeks early. Very scary, but both are doing well, or so we think. I too try to do all I can to help, hopefully I am.
I think it is very hard for many of us. I had no idea what my friends were going through until I did it myself. I wish I could have been more supportive then and I try to be better now
Beth is right. You cannot really understand what it's like to have a baby until you've been through it. For me, it was far from easy, and it doesn't get any easier. Just this morning, Maddie fell off my bed and landed so awkwardly, I thought she damaged her neck. Thank God she suffered nothing more than a bruised bump on her forehead!
When did you add this picture? It's gorgeous!
Oh wow, I LOVE that picture! It makes my heart ache its so touching.
As painful as I know it must be for you to write about your experience, I'm so thankful you are brave enough to do so. I know I keep saying that, but every time I'm amazed at how perfectly you put the chaos and mixed emotions into words.
People don't always realize that some women go through all the stages of grief after having a baby. It's not the same as grieving someone who has passed away but it's still tears you up inside.
I like the comments you got on this post. It's clear you are not alone. Hang in there and keep writing!
Post a Comment