End of my Rope
I didn't know I had a rope. I didn't know it had an end. But I do have a rope and I'm at the end of it. I've been fairly upbeat lately so I figure it's okay to get some frustration off my chest. It's been a little quiet around here lately so very few people will be subjected to my whining.
And now that I am sitting here with time to whine I can't think of what to write.
This whole thing with my mom is so much worse than I was anticipating. Yesterday was the worst day yet. The only time when I could go see her was close to when Audrey needed to go for her nap. She was not the happiest camper while we visited and I could clearly see this was bothering mom. I guess I shouldn't have bothered to go. I could see in my mom's face a brokenness that I haven't seen since she and my father split up seventeen years ago. She is so discouraged. The worst part is that I don't think there is anything we can really do for her. At least not right now. She just has to get through this part and then the sun will shine again. (I hope.)
I am feeling heavily burdened not only emotionally but physically as well. There is a bitterness boiling up inside me that I am concerned about. I haven't felt this way since little A was first born. Sometimes I wonder if I just stopped cleaning, doing laundry, looking after the baby (as if this is really an option) if the whole world would implode or just our own small piece of it.
I feel really alone right now. I don't know if I'm not communicating well with Peter or if he's going through something as well that he's not telling me about yet. I'm just plugging along trying to hold it all together. This is nothing when compared with what other people I know are dealing with on a daily basis. I've said it before (postpartum) and I'll say it again. I am physically strong and emotionally weak. I need to pump some emotional iron. Any suggestions?
"She stands twelve feet above the flood
She stares
Alone
Across the water
The loneliness grows and slowly
Fills her frozen body
Sliding downwards" The Drowning Man-The Cure
12 comments:
Seriously call me! If you need a break for a while, drop Baby A off with me for a little while, I can handle to babies at once, seriously. I have coffee too, and I can get cheese cake!
Oh, I am so sorry to hear you are having a rough time. I am sure you are emotionally much stronger than you think. Take your friend's offer, you sound like you need a break. Hope you feel better.
No!! Not Mama D too!! Where is this black cloud coming from?? WHY does it have to even be here?? AGH! I TRULY hope you can have a better day! Find a babysitter and plan a fun date with Peter! You totally deserve it...who cares if the world implodes...you need to be happy for the rest of your family to be the same!
sorry you are having a rough time. feel better soon.
Hugs
Mary
I'm so sorry you're feeling down. You need to have a few days where you don't do any chores. Instead, with that time, do fun things with A and your husband. Go to the zoo or a park or a pool. But don't look at dishes or laundry and order out for dinner. Maybe take up Nikkie's offer and go see a movie. Nothing bad will happen and you'll feel better.
And remember it's ok to feel this way. You don't have to compare yourself and say others have it worse, etc, etc.
Okay... first about your mom. I was telling my mom about her, and she said, "Ooooo.... total knees are very painful. They take quite a while to recover from." So, hang in there baby. It will be a long process of healing. Do what you can do for her, even if she doesn't seem to appreciate it now. Bev is the pain management person at the hospital.... maybe you could talk to her if your mom is having a lot of problems.
Now about you... in the 5ish years we've known each other, I have seen nothing in you that seems emotionally weak. Emotional, yes, but not weak. Don't sell yourself short. If you need a break, I'm heading to the water park at Stanley Park tomorrow with some firends. I'd happily bring baby A with me, or you are welcome to join us. You need some fun!
I feel like that sometimes too and I don't even have a sick mom to worry about. I'm so sorry things are getting too much for you to handle.
The last time I really felt like I was going to break I wrote my husband a letter (because I am a terrible talker) and told him that I needed him to be more engaged or I was going to end up in the looney bin. It worked really well and he is much better--I had to learn to ask for help though b/c I am terrible at it.
I wish I could come over and take Baby A for a few hours for you!
I know this may not be wonderful timeing but YOU HAVE WON!!!
The Friday Flip up award on my My bloggy!!
I love your BLOG!!! And am praying for the clouds to lift in this time of strife.
Oh -- If you want the award code to post on your website please email me
Jankifer@MSN.com
Yay! Yay for Mama D and Yay for cool JD! I so love you both! There, I said it... I love you Mama D... in, like the totally cool way that one mama love another!
Wow, we are goin' on one at the same time today, huh?
I found your blog via the "flip" award.
I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I hope your "black cloud" lifts soon. No one should have to go through this much all at once.
Hugs.
I know how you are feeling. My Mom passed away last year from ALS, and the year before watching her struggle was just so hard.
But as to how you get emotionally strong...this is it. Wish there was an easier way. But you are so right, the sun will shine again.
One thing that helped me was once while praying for my mother's health, I asked, if I can't have the big miracle I really want the most, please grant me extra insight to the little miracles that are in my life, so I cling to them. And you know I had the best week that week, all these little things that I take so for granted kept popping up in my mind, and it really helped me regain a positive, grateful attitude.
HTH, and if not, remember you're not alone.
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