I'm Not A Violent Person

When you were a little kid did you ever run up the basement stairs because you were sure someone was behind you? I did. I would be fine while I was in the basement, it wasn't really scary down there or anything. But for some reason when I was going up the stairs I always had this terrible feeling there was someone behind me or hiding underneath the stairs just ready to grab me and pull me back down. So I had a ritual of looking around the basement and then sprinting up the stairs as fast as I could convinced that at any second I would be attacked from behind. I would never look back, once at the top I would slam the door behind me. I knew, even then, that it was an irrational fear. I knew there was no one down there to 'get' me. But I couldn't make that feeling go away so I continued my stair sprinting ritual until we moved away from that place.

The reason I'm writing about this is because I experienced that exact same feeling last night when leaving work. I was the last one to leave. My car is parked at the back of the building adjacent to the back lane. There is a sensor light but it is still dark, quiet and a little unnerving. As I was walking to my car, opening the door and getting in I felt that 'someone's going to get you' feeling. I jumped in and immediately locked my doors. I was annoyed at myself for getting freaked out. This is not the way I want to live my life.

When I was a kid I was oblivious to danger, as most kids are. It never crossed my mind that often that anyone would want to hurt me unless I had provoked it in some way. When I was 15 years old a friend and I were walking to the store on a Saturday afternoon. A group of five girls were walking in our direction. We instinctively crossed to the other side of the street. So did they. When we met they surrounded us on someone's lawn. They began to tell us how they had seen us give them the finger from our car earlier that week. This, of course was a total lie and purely an excuse to confront us. I objected to this accusation explaining we didn't give people the finger. (Oh, how naive.) They seemed most interested in my friend who, although she was older, was smaller than me. Two girls stood imposingly on either side of her. I only had one girl standing behind me who kept attempting to get a grip on me in some way but I repeatedly shrugged her off. The remaining two of the girls were much bigger and older than all of us and seemed to be there for 'back up'. My mind was racing. What are we going to do? I thought about fighting back but we were clearly out numbered and as they seemed to be focusing on my friend I imagined them holding me down while I watched her get the crap beaten out of her. I made a decision that if they hit her I would bolt to the nearest house (next door) and ask for help. I waited as they shot their mouths off, trying to intimidate us. Then, they slapped her in the face. I did what I planned I ran as fast as I could to the neighboring house and pounded on the door. A young kid answered. I said “Please, we need help!” I saw his mother pop her head out of the kitchen and quickly come to the door and out onto the step. As I began to explain and point towards my friend being attacked by the girls they saw us and ran away. I said “Thank you!” to the woman and ran off towards my friend. At this point I began to cry. Not in a way where you tear up and wipe the tears away. I was hysterical. I was sobbing and snorting. My friend ran up to me. I asked her if she was okay. She was a bit dirty, she had some scratches and some bruising was beginning to show up on her face. She laughed. “I'm stoked. I have never been in a fight before.” I was shocked. I continued to sob for about an hour while she tried to calm me down, assuring me that she was okay. I was just so shaken. I couldn't believe that these girls had done this with no reason.

From that point on I walked through life worried that everyone was out to get me. I couldn't go for a walk without thinking someone might attack me. The nice looking man pushing his baby in a stroller, the young woman walking to work. In my eyes anyone could be a potential threat. Then at 18 ½ I started TaeKwon Do. I started because my friend was doing it, not because I thought I had any fear issues. Not long after I started doing martial arts I began to notice how much more confident I had become. I felt good that I was getting exercise. I began competing and winning which was so much fun as well as a huge ego boost. I don't think I actually realized what a change had occurred in me until one evening I spent with a friend. I was visiting her in the large city that she lived in. We were meeting some of her friends for drinks at a billiard bar downtown. We parked in a parking lot that was shared by a few different bars and restaurants. One of those places was a pretty dumpy spot. As we were walking to the billiard bar a shifty looking man approached us. He asked us for money or something, we apologized and continued walking. Once inside the bar my friend sighed with relief and told me that guy had totally freaked her out. I stopped in my tracks when I realized that he hadn't freaked me out. My thought process had been as follows. Scary looking guy approaching us, there are lots of people around if he tries anything, we can run to the bar we are going to, I can totally take this guy out if I need to. I assessed the situation, thought of solutions to any problems that might arise and I was ready for whatever might happen. That was a turning point.

It's not that I think I am so tough or anything. There are certain situations that I just wouldn't want to be in. I have taught self defense classes. I know how to protect myself. Peter often asks me what I would do if someone did such and such to me. I usually reply with “stick my thumbs in their eye balls, dislocate their knee, collapse their trachea” and so on. He then winces with pain, covers his eyes and asks me to please stop describing the ways I am able to maim an attacker. I then remind him that he asked me what I would do.

My issue is this. How is it that I found myself feeling so afraid last night? Is it that I am not training in TaeKwon Do right now? That I haven't trained since I was seven months pregnant. Or is it that I am a mother now? The thought of something happening to me and leaving my child without a mother terrifies me. I'm not sure. It makes me want to find a way to be able to start training again. All I know is that whether or not I am afraid, if anyone tries anything with me they better watch out because I have a lot more to fight for these days. Limbs could be broken, eyeballs could be lost.