Has It Really Been A Year...

Right now a year ago today I was in labor. I was having mild contractions every 7-9 minutes. Peter and I were at our church picnic. It was undeniable, I was going to be a mother. I couldn't press pause on life and say “Hold on, I'm not ready for this.” I remember telling people at work that although there were similarities, getting ready to have a baby was a lot different than getting ready to get married. With a wedding you could always decide even at the last minute to postpone or even, to CALL IT OFF! Sure, it might be embarrassing, costly and would likely cause your fiance irreparable emotional damage. But it can be done. You can decide against going through with it. Not so with birth. Everyone laughed at my anecdote but the truth was I was serious. I wasn't so sure I wanted to go through with this. But I should have thought about that 10 months earlier. I couldn't change my mind now.

It wasn't the pain I was afraid of. In fact, I'm kind of a freak like that. I wouldn't say I like pain, but I like a challenge. Since I had a midwife the plan was – no drugs. If need be, she could administer Demerol or laughing gas. There was also some kind of fancy thing she could do for back labor which involved injecting purified water into my back. I could have an epidural or a C-Section if needed but then my care would have to be transferred to a physician. I was determined for that not to happen. And I was determined to do it without drugs of any kind. I was all like, “Come on labor, show me what you got!”. Looking back I am so happy that I had the kind of birth that I so badly wanted. That I did it the way I hoped I could. That I was proud of myself. Because once Baby A arrived nothing was as I hoped it would be for a long, LONG time.

A year ago today I was just a girl. A woman. A hairstylist. A wife. Not a Mama. Not a food source. Not a rocking, shushing, patting, bouncing robot. Not a sleep deprived zombie. Not a hormonal disaster. Not yet...

I looked in the mirror and I saw me. Me with a huge round tummy, but still the same me. The process of growing our baby inside me had changed me. I was different. But not as different as I am now. Now I look in the mirror and I see a Mama. I see someone who made it through the biggest challenges she's ever faced. Someone who gave birth, fought to feed her child, fought depression, fought self hatred, fought self pity, learned to be a Mama, learned to be patient, fell in love with her baby. I am so much more than I was a year ago.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. This year proved to me that 'they' are right. Not only am I stronger, I'm smarter, I'm happier, I'm better.