Happy Birthday Baby A!

Dear Miss A,

Today you are officially one year old. One year! I can hardly believe it. What a year it has been. We have both changed so much this year that I'm sure your Dada must think he's sharing the house with a couple of strangers.

The first thing I want you to tell you is that I'm sorry. I am sorry about the way I was when you were born. I'm sorry that I was terrified, anxious and overwhelmed. I tried not to be but those feelings were consuming me after you arrived. I wanted to be happy, calm and in control. I know it would have made things a whole lot easier on you. I know you sensed how unsettled I was and it made you feel unsettled also. I'm sorry for all the times I was frustrated with you and especially those times when I told you to “Shut up!” I'm sorry that I wasn't the good Mama back then that I have become. I promise that I will just keep getting better at this.

I also want to tell you how beautiful you are. When I first saw you I thought you were the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen. I thought I was being biased until everyone kept telling me over and over again how gorgeous you were. I didn't think it was possible for you to get even more lovely with each passing day but you have. To be honest with you I'm a bit jealous. And just so you know if anyone ever tells you that you are ugly it's because they are jealous so don't ever believe it.

You are wonderful. I have lost count of the times that you have brought a smile to my face or made me laugh out loud. I've totally forgiven you for the three months of absolute hell you put me through. (but only if you'll forgive me for being a total basket case during that time) After that you have really been such an easy baby. You have always loved people, will go to anyone and have rarely 'made strange'. You used to lay on the floor contentedly watching 'Baby Einstein' videos so that I could get stuff done. As you've gotten older you have always been really great at amusing yourself and not needing to be held or entertained by me all the time. You have a fabulous appetite and are not a fussy eater. Just recently you have begun to develop more discerning tastes. You are not a fan of blueberries at the moment. You will basically eat anything else we give you as well as whatever you find on the floor. (That, by the way, is not one of your most wonderful traits.)

You should also know how smart you are. You have always had a great attention span. You pay attention to everything that is going on around you. When you first started watching 'Baby Einstein' I was amazed at how you watched every detail. You are very observant and have always used your pointer finger, touching or pointing at whatever you were interested in. Jewelery, zippers, buttons, a drop of food or a piece of fluff. You already love books. You love to turn the pages (and you do it carefully) and point at things on each page. You smile and react to each book differently and definitely have your favorites. Now when you watch 'Baby Einstein' you dance (bounce up and down) to the music and you have also repeated 'Dog' and 'Cat'. I want you to know that you are brilliant so don't let anyone discourage you from becoming whatever you want to when you grow up. Mama and Dada promise to help you however they can.

You are the strongest baby I have ever known. You could practically hold your head up since you were born. You used to be able to fight off your Mama and two nurses when we were trying to get you to eat. (Not one of your wisest battles my dear.) You wanted to stand almost right from day one. A thing that you used to love was when Dada would let you stand on his belly and then he'd lift you up in the air and when you came back down you'd bend your legs and push back up again. He was your own personal trampoline. (And gas getter outer!) By the time you were around six months old you decided that you no longer liked to lay still for your diaper changes. It often takes both me and your Dada to hold you down long enough to change your diaper and get you dressed. (Again, not the most sensible battle.) Sometimes for fun one of us will do a fight commentary while we change you “Baby A is rotating her hips trying to escape Mama's grip but Mama has control of this match...” Once you were hanging out in just a diaper and your Dada has remarked “She looks like a little body builder.” I had to agree.

What I want you to know most of all is that I love you. I've loved you since the moment I found out I was having you. That love was there even at the beginning when I was a mess and I worried it wasn't. I love you when you are awake (though it's harder at 4:00 am), I love you when you are asleep (it's really easy to love you then), I love you when you are crying (although it hurts my ears sometimes!), I love you when you scream out suddenly in public places and throw your head around in a fit of anger (that's pretty embarrassing though). I love you when you gobble up your food, when you smile, when you laugh, when you babble. I love you when you quietly play with your toys or watch a video. I love you when you wave, when you clap, when you try to feed me things. I love you when I get home from work and you squeal with delight that I am home. I love you unconditionally, forever, no matter what you do. (Remind me of this in about 12 more years.) I love you.

Happy Birthday! You amaze me every day. Thank you for bringing so much joy into my life.

Love,
Mama

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