24 Hours, 7 Days a Week

First of all thanks to those of you who checked out The Mama D Experiment. I appreciate all the feedback and will revise as needed. I plan on posting a new chunk of the story weekly, thereby buying myself some time to finish the rest of it. My main reluctance for starting another blog was upkeep but as my darling husband pointed out, since I am posting what has already been written there really isn't much work involved. He was very eager to see the feedback I had received yesterday. Since it was his idea, I think he feels like The Mama D Experiment is his baby and wants everyone to like it.

Enough about that. The title of this post states the shifts I have at my job for about the next, oh, 17 years and 5 months. At least. I don't think this really sinks in during your first pregnancy. It didn't for me. You intellectually know that it will be a lot of work, you'll be tired, it's a long haul. But I know I didn't realize that I would never have time off. Actually, when I'm 'working' at my 'job' I sort of have time off from being a mom. But what kind of time off is that? I have to go to work to get a break? Even then if Little A got sick I would leave work to be with her. She is always my first priority. I'm not complaining. I'm just trying to wrap my head around it.

I guess what got me thinking about this was last night. As I have said before, (and made you all want to take turns kicking me in my rear end) my baby sleeps through the night. Usually. If she doesn't, it's always when I HAVE to get up for work the next day. Last night I awoke many times thinking I heard her whimper. A couple of times I know she cried out but she went back to sleep. This morning I felt like crap. So tired and dragged out. I guess I didn't sleep through the night after all. This happens frequently. That's when I thought about how draining it can be when you always have to be ready for whatever your baby needs. It's daunting. Especially when you are tired or sick or depressed. When you live for their naps so you can have a break and how upsetting it is when they wake up earlier than you expect.

Peter's birthday is this weekend and we are going to go out for supper. It has been a long time since we have done this. I always thought it sounded like a good idea to have a date night every couple of weeks but in reality it doesn't happen that way. Luckily we like being at home and Audrey is usually a pretty easy baby. I don't know how long it has been since we went out together. A while. To be honest I don't think it's something Peter thinks about. As for myself, I think there is a part of me that doesn't think I deserve it. Or I just feel too exhausted to even bother making plans. My sister already babysits for us during the week and I often feel guilty for asking her to look after her more. My mom has found it's getting difficult now that Audrey is getting bigger and more active.

We are now on the verge of a whole new stage of development with Baby A. She will soon be crawling. I am exhausted already I'm not sure how I will handle how much busier life is going to get. Baby proofing has been thought about and planned but not started. Since worrying is my other full time job, I am already imagining all the bumps, bruises and scrapes she will have.







I think I have come to a new stage of motherhood. During my first stage I felt shock, disbelief and despair. Then came stage two when I felt more comfortable, competent and content. Now I have entered stage three. Reality has sunk in. I am tired, I am overworked, I am insecure, I am concerned that I may not have what it takes. I am hanging in there and I do have faith that it will get better again. I'm just a little surprised to find myself feeling this way again. I thought that I had come out of those dark woods into the sunshine. I wasn't prepared to go there again. I know I am coping better this time and I won't feel so totally helpless and out of control. In the meantime I can get it all off my chest here. What a relief that is.