Competency And Incompentcy

After more than six months of motherhood I have become really comfortable. I consider this to be a great accomplishment since during my first month I was seriously contemplating throwing in the towel. I am not a quitter but I have never felt like quitting more than I did during that time. I was convinced that I would never again get any sleep, I would never be able to properly breastfeed my child and clearly, I was a failure as a mother. With baby steps I became more sure of myself. I persevered through my breastfeeding difficulties. Audrey started sleeping through the night at around two months. I began to think that maybe I did know what I was doing after all. This delusion continued until last Friday.

Baby A and I went over to her Grandma's for a visit and while she napped I was going to go out for some groceries. As I was putting her down for her nap she woke up. What did I do? I quickly began to nurse her for about the two seconds required to put her back to sleep. So what's the big deal you may ask. The deal is I am addicted to the Bobby Pillow.

(This is the exact same Boppy we have. I look exactly like that woman except for the tan, the face, the body and the smaller boobs.) After Audrey was born and we were having all of our breastfeeding troubles I asked my mom to get me a Boppy. It made feeding Audrey far less difficult. I could release the tension in my shoulders and back just a little bit and I felt like I was just a bit more coordinated. Since I needed both hands (and three more) to feed her, laying her in front of me on the Boppy made it much easier. The problem? Now I don't know how to feed my child without it. I have forgot it at home a few times when we've gone out or at my mom's. My first instinct when I don't have it is to panic but then I just use a regular pillow. This is a sorry substitute as it is too soft and doesn't fit around my waist. As much as I love my Boppy, I am dependent upon it. I watch mothers nurse their babies 'au natural' and feel a bit inadequate. It's like I still have my breastfeeding training wheels on. So the fact that I was able to nurse Audrey without it and put her back to sleep lickety split made me feel all proud of myself. I am competent of feeding my child without the aid of a croissant shaped pillow. Yay me!

The second thing I accomplished that day was installing Miss A's new car seat. That's right folks, we have ditched the infant carrier and moved onwards and upwards to a rear facing car seat that stays in the vehicle. When we bought our baby carrier I read the booklet that came with it. Perhaps it was my pregnant brain that could not comprehend it but it was practically like reading Japanese. Eventually, with Peter's help I figured out how to use it but those first few times of putting Audrey into it and taking her out... yikes. Not to mention putting it in the car. I remember almost breaking down crying several times because I couldn't get the seat to release from the base. I don't know what I started doing differently but eventually it didn't get stuck anymore. This time when I read the instructions they didn't confuse me (much). And I adjusted the harness and installed it into our car by myself. Not that I want to be a single mom but knowing that I can do this stuff on my own is really empowering. I need to remind myself of those times when I feel like a competent mother. Because those feeling are fleeting.

Putting Audrey in the new seat wasn't so bad. When we got home taking her out and carrying all my stuff was another story. I almost felt my cheeks getting red from embarrassment. I felt like a new mom again, not knowing how to carry my baby and my bag at the same time. Then, that night after she had gone to bed for what usually is until morning she woke up. At 12:00 am. I would feed her, she'd fall asleep, I'd lay her in her bed she'd wake up and cry. I did this about five times. I was incredibly frustrated because the next day was the only day of the week that I get up early to go to work. I felt like we were back in those early days when I tip toed into her room with her asleep in my arms, just praying that she would stay asleep this time so I could get some rest. At 2:00 am she was in bed again for the night. I woke up a very cranky mama the next day.

How quickly I had gone from feeling competent to feeling incompetent again. I guess I might as well get used to it. I think this is going to be a pattern for at least 20 more years.