Regrets

I don't think I've talked about my father too often on my blog. That's probably because I have only been writing since Miss A was a few months old and we really haven't seen him much in that time. I really haven't seen him much since I was thirteen actually. That is when he and my mother separated and we moved here.

My father is one of those men who would likely forget their own birthday without their wife to remind them. He failed to remember mine every year since we left and missed many other important events over the years. Dealing with his absence and my perception that he didn't care led me through several emotions over the years. Sadness, Anger, Indifference and finally, in the past few years, a kind of understanding.

It's taken me over 20 years to realize that although he may not show he loves me (and now my children, his grandchildren) in the ways I think he should, he really does love me/us. I have learned to accept the way he is and the way that he loves us. It still makes me sad sometimes that we see him so rarely but when we do it's obvious how much he cares for us all.

I've learned a lot from Miss A loves him so unconditionally.(Miss B is still kind of oblivious.) She loves him in spite of how little she sees him, in spite of the fact that she's seen him only a handful of times in her 5 years of life. She remembers and cherishes and talks about those times to me because they mean so much to her. My instinct is to feel angry about that. I feel like he hasn't earned her love and adoration and to be honest, I don't understand it. I have worked hard to ignore my anger and be happy that she loves him and hasn't felt disappointed by him the way I have. I will also try my damnedest to make sure she never does.

I called him the other night because I had heard from my sister that he'd been here at the hospital to have a test. It was another of many tests he's been having lately. I had a feeling that something was up but of course he hasn't said anything. When I got him on the phone I asked him how his test went. He said he didn't know the results yet. I asked him what was going on and why he was having so many tests done. He told me he had prostate cancer. He seemed very calm about it, telling me that the doctors don't think he'll need surgery, that he'll simply have to take some medication. I'm not certain that he's really clear about what the treatment will be but I know he'll find out in the next while.

After getting off the phone with him I wasn't sure how to feel. I didn't feel as upset as I thought I should. Maybe it was because he seemed so calm about it. Maybe it's because it doesn't seem real to me yet. I thought about how I would feel if I got similar news about my mom. Regardless of how calm she might be (however she WOULD NOT be calm) I would be FREAKING OUT. So then I felt guilty.

My Grandfather on my mother's side died when I was about 19. My father had attended the funeral. I remember sitting there looking at both of my parents. I thought about how I was sure that my mother was saying goodbye to her father that day with very few regrets. I looked at my own father and wondered, when I was sitting at his funeral one day how many would I have? Would I wish that I hadn't been so stubborn, waiting for him to call me, and call him first? Would I wish I'd made more of an effort with our relationship regardless of how little effort he put in? I decided that day that I didn't want to have any regrets.

Unfortunately, I didn't really stick to my decision. I didn't call as often as I planned. I soon grew tired of being the only one making an effort. I learned to settle for the relationship that we had. Appreciate the times we did speak and see each other. Perhaps his current medical condition is indeed, not so serious. We may have many more years with him, I hope we do.

If we don't I'd have to say goodbye. I'd have regrets but most of them wouldn't be about the things I didn't do. They would be about the things I couldn't change.

It's About Freakin' Time

I've been wanting to post. I have. Now I'm doing it. I just am. Now what I have to give is a mish mash of information about what has and is going on around here.

Miss A is well settled into Kindergarten. She has started both piano lessons and gymnastics since January and is loving both of them. I find it fascinating to hear about social interactions between her peers. Best friends change weekly, sometimes daily. Peter has named this time "The Golden Age of A" because we are so absolutely enamored with her at the moment. She just seems so incredibly easy right now. Her temperament is calmer, she disappears for long periods of time to play, she is generally very content. However, it may just be because of the stark, STARK contrast to her younger sister.

Miss B is... challenging me. To. my. very. core. I think it would be a useful exercise to go back in this blog and read over some of what I wrote about Miss A. I am certain that she was the very same but it's difficult to remember (I think I blocked it out) and also to believe. I made a grave mistake in labeling this girl. She was initially so much better as a newborn that I gave her the title of "the easy one". Apparently defiance runs deeps in our gene pool because it would seem she has been bound and determined to rid herself of that label.

I take comfort in the fact that Miss A seems to have turned out so well and I'm sure I have something to do with that so perhaps I could be two for two.

Roller Derby. See when I started on that path last May I had absolutely NO IDEA what I was getting myself into. I foolishly thought it was going to be a hobby. That my life would basically stay the same only my recreational activity was a different one. Boy was I WRONG. Four hours of practice a week. Training team duties which include researching drills for both on and off skate, planning practices, going to meetings and most recently giving and marking tests and drawing up answer keys. Currently we are planning a social. Seems like all fun and games until things don't go as smoothly as you thought they would and you're scrambling to get all your ducks in a row again. I feel guilty because really it's a huge part of my life and I didn't give anyone any warning about that. Except that it's because I totally had no idea this was what was going to happen. I adore Peter in new and unexpected ways for his understanding about the whole situation. I am so lucky to have married someone who understands me so well and adapts to whatever insanity is taking up pieces of my life at any given time.

I completed the story I briefly mentioned in this post. I am so satisfied to have finished and excited to see what may come of it, if anything. In any case it makes me feel like all of those hours I spent sitting at a typewriter when I was a kid writing crappy stories my have had some value after all.

And also. Dang it's cold outside.

My Mind Blowingly Awesome Weekend

So, I've been doing this Roller Derby thing for about seven months now. In that time I've experienced a lot of emotions - fear, horror, anxiety, excitement, pride and most recently LOVE.

An established Roller Derby League nearby decided to host a two day Roller Derby bootcamp right here in my city this past weekend. There would be three Coaches - Coach Pauly, Bonnie D. Stroir and Smarty Pants all of whom I'd heard/read about but had no idea how incredible they actually were.

I arrived on Saturday morning feeling incredibly nervous and intimidated, knowing that I would be among the least experienced skaters there. After attending my first session with Bonnie I began to relax. I was doing okay and she was so entertaining and informative that I stopped worrying about anything. Throughout the rest of the day I had some periods of feeling clueless but mostly I had SO MUCH FUN. The other skaters were really great about helping each other out.

My first day ended in a session with Smarty and I completely fell in love. She is the sweetest, most hilarious woman and if that wasn't enough she is the most unreal talented skater and coach. She's the kind of person you meet and you immediately want to be their BFF but you have to chill so as to avoid being creepy.

There was an exhibition scrimmage at the end of the first day which I was totally sure I wouldn't have the opportunity to play in because it stated on our itinerary that the teams would be made up of "All Stars". Now, I'm not being modest when I say I KNEW that did not include me. In the end a decision was made that they didn't have enough time to determine an "All Star" team and didn't want to be unfair so anyone who wanted to participate was welcome to do so. I'd invited my husband and friends and had planned on sitting with them and enjoying the game. I made the decision to go with that original plan instead of skating. I felt mentally and physically unprepared (and unskilled) to throw myself in the mix with these talented women that evening. It was a great game and I only had a few pangs of regret for not playing throughout. Smarty Pants played in the scrimmage which was absolutely thrilling to watch even though I know it was probably not even half as entertaining as watching her skate with her home team on the bank track.

The second day began with something called the "Smarty Party" in which we essentially danced around on skates and Smarty imparted the genius idea that playing derby could be a lot like dancing or moving around in a packed club, that sometimes your body rubs up against someone else's as you try to get by but it's not meant in animosity, you're just trying to get where you need to be. I LOVE this philosophy for blocking and when you see this woman block it is a thing of beauty. This session was easily the most fun I had the entire weekend and as if I didn't have it bad enough already she had to go and mention her love of 80's music and how she liked to pretend she was Molly Ringwald sometimes. Sigh.

There was another scrimmage at the end of the bootcamp and I had decided I would skate in it, unskilled or not. It was a blast and I was so amazed by all the help I received from more experienced players. I even skated a Jam as a Jammer and wasn't horribly slow and I didn't get knocked down. I think I'm beginning to own that I could be intimidating, my size that is. People may think twice about messing with me purely based on that. I have to have something in my favor I guess.

It's not difficult for me to say that although I missed my family like crazy it was one of the best weekends of my life. It's been such a long time since I've felt excited about something this way. Excited about the journey that's ahead of me.

Here's a photo of me and my new hero (my coloring is so strange, I look grey or something) and two videos that demonstrate her fun loving personality and her balls.

Halloween

Fact. Facebook has been the ruination of my blog. I totally take it for granted that most people who read or used to read it are friends of mine there. I know it's not true but I completely convince myself that it is and allow myself to be lazy and not post here. I hate it and it makes me sad. Oh well.

Anyway, to those of you who haven't seen these on facebook - the Halloween costumes!! You may remember Miss A wearing this same costume at 2. Miss A needed some direction with her costume this year so I suggested a Ninja. She was all on board and ordering me to "Buy the costume!!" already. Mysteriously, a short while before Halloween she announced to me that she no longer wanted to be a Ninja. When I asked her why she told me she would be embarrassed. It didn't seem to matter how much prompting I did she wouldn't tell me what had changed her mind. My guess is that when one of her peers asked her what she was dressing up as they replied in one of many ways, such as "Girls don't dress up as Ninja's." "That's weird." "What's a Ninja?" which then made her reject the costume.

I explained that I'd given her time to think about what she wanted to be before I bought her costume and that I wasn't buying another costume. I refuse to be a parent who has to come up with fifteen different costumes before Halloween because their child keeps changing their mind. I asked her if she knew much about how cool Ninja's were. She asked me to tell her about them. I relayed the tiny amount of information I had and showed her this video I found.



As you can imagine, this clinched it for her. Unfortunately, I could find toy Nunchucks so I had to settle for Katana Blades. She ended up embracing her inner Ninja which made me glad and Miss B was just happy to get "Tweets!!"







Incidentally, this video is also very cool. I'd kill for that kind of flexibility.

Disturbing Developments

So you know when you have a daughter or in my case daughters and you joke about how you are dreading the days when boys come into the picture only you're not joking because it really, truly does scare the living crap out of you? Yeah, well, I thought I had some time. You know because after all Miss A is only 5 years old after all.

That's right. On Sunday, my first born child turned FIVE YEARS OLD. I know she already started Kindergarten but the actually turning 5 thing just made it all more... real.

So since her party with friends isn't for another couple of weeks we decided to take her to one of those indoor play places (large play structure, bouncy castles) to celebrate. As per usual, she came over to me within 5 minutes announcing that she'd made a friend. An adorable blond boy came running up to her frantically then and they ran off together laughing.

It turned out that said blond boy was there with two of his friends. My guess is that they were all about 5 or 6 years old. I'm not exactly sure how it happened but somehow innocent play morphed into something weird and unhealthy.

Miss A would be playing somewhere and the boys would locate her and try to bait her into chasing them. At first this seemed like fun to her, but then she was confused. During a bathroom break she told me she thought the boys didn't like her because they kept running away. I told her they did like her which was why they kept trying to get her to chase them.

She tired of this quickly and basically had no interest in playing with them anymore. They continued to seek her out and try to get her to play their game. When she ignored them they tried to get her attention by saying "Hey Girl!" not like "Hey! Girl!" Like "Hey Girl!" a la Justin Timberlake. Next they said "Hey Sexy Lady!" at which point I said "Hey, hey, hey. None of that!" They wandered off for a while but I kept an eye on them and they were completely fixated on her and kept coming over to where she was.

Finally she told me "Mommy, they're bothering me." I told her that she needed to tell them so and she said that she wanted me to do it. I told her I would stay with her when she told them and she marched over to them saying "Listen, you guys are bothering me and I want you to stop please." I was amazed that she actually did it and happy that they seemed shocked to hear her say that to them. This seemed to put an end to their silly behavior and we left shortly thereafter.

The whole scenario left me feeling a little sick to my stomach. I was so totally unprepared for something like this to happen at her age. It made me wonder where in the world those boys ever learned to speak that way at their age, it made me fear for the young men they would grow into and it made me sad because really, I think they were decent kids, albeit, confused.

It makes me realize how important it is that I teach her to stand up for herself. Because I can't always be there. Especially now that she is at school. She needs to know that she can speak her mind. And if someone is bothering you, it's important that you ask them to stop. If they don't stop you MAKE them stop.

I always knew that this face was going to be a blessing and a curse. I just didn't expect to see the downside so soon.

KINDERGARTEN!!!!

Wow. Just wow.

Late

Soooo, before Miss A starts Kindergarten (!!!) next week I thought I would post the pictures from the start and finish of preschool. In my defense, we were having camera issues. That doesn't excuse my total lack of summer blogging but you know... it's something.

So here they are before and after. I don't see the same dramatic change in her as I did with her last years photos and yet several months passed between pictures.





She has grown like a weed this summer. People keep asking me if she's grown. Yes. She has. She comes up to the middle of my tricep. She is well over half as tall as me in less than 5 years. Shudder. "Where's your mom?" "Over there, she's the short one."

This was also taken on the last day of school. It captures their personalities quite well I think.

Introducing "Miss" B

I can't believe it's been two years already. My baby days are pretty much over...

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Seeing What I'm Getting Myself In To

Last Saturday my sister came to stay the night with the girls (my first night away from B) and we went into the city to see a Roller Derby bout.

Two of my best friends accompanied us, one of whom we spent the night with. None of us had ever seen roller derby live before. The seat were pretty uncomfortable and I think it's safe to say that I was more into it than the people I was with but they cheered (or boo-ed) anyway.

There was a girl that played for Fargo whose name was 'Skaty GaGa'. She was my hero. She was an excellent Jammer (point scorer) and played blocker equally well. She wasn't a big girl but man could she throw a hit. And take one!!!

Now that I've seen a live bout I'm confident in saying that I'm sure I can do this. I'm loving it and I'm loving me doing it. I don't know if my body really is changing or if I'm just feeling good about myself because I am amazed at what I've been able to get my body to do ON SKATES!! (Jump, complete 25 laps around the track in 5:21 (I need to do it in 5 minutes, so close!) Use my teammates body to propel myself forward.)

This is a pretty awesome video I found of one of the teams that we saw this weekend which also happens to be a team we could be playing against at some point. Eek!

And What Did I Think?

Eclipse.

First let me say that I think it is a testament to Chris Weitz that this movie didn't blow my socks off as much as I thought it would. Not that I didn't think it was fantastic, I did. I just recall how totally joyous I was that New Moon was SO much better than Twilight. I have since forgiven Catherine Hardwicke because I think she was really up against it making Twilight and did the best (almost) that she could with what she had to work with. It was partly thanks to her that Chris had so much to work with making New Moon.

Eclipse was, as I expected, more dark and creepy. I expected this of David Slade. I think the change of director was the part that didn't sit comfortably for me at first. This movie was like switching gears from the last one. Not better or worse, different. It took me a while to settle in, if you know what I mean.

One thing I noticed is that the actors all seemed very "at home" in their roles. More than ever before I thought. I guess that's normal being that this was the third time around. Or perhaps it was because they filmed this one right after NM so they were at home in the characters.

As a parent I appreciated the attention to detail they paid to Bella's realization and depth of emotion about how much she was going to miss her own parents.

I knew the scary/creepy factor would be there but I wasn't sure if he could nail the romance and capture the feelings you had (for Edward) (ha!) when reading the books. He did. He REALLY did. In several glorious parts I felt myself swooning as I did when I read it. It was... wonderful.

Stand outs for me were -

Jasper. He was finally able to display his stellar acting ability and seeing more of him made the viewer feel at ease about why exactly Alice loves him so much.

The training and fighting scenes. They could have looked stupid and fake but they actually looked pretty awesome.

The tension was believable between Jacob and Edward. The tent scene was pretty fantastic.

My Favorite:

When Bella tries to seduce Edward (this scene was PERFECTION! I do not exaggerate.)

Tonight

In honor of the movie I'll be seeing tonight, or technically early tomorrow morning...

Safety First or well... at least I'm trying

I've had mixed reactions to my decision to pursue roller derby. Most have been along the lines of "That is SO cool! I think you'll be fantastic at it!" some have been more like "Is that really a good idea?" or "Why in the world are you doing that?" and a few have been "What is roller derby?"

I myself have finally made peace with my decision. I no longer feel sick with worry before going to practice, I'm not laying in bed awake thinking about whether I'm being irresponsible to take up a hobby like this.

I've been to several practices now and I'm doing pretty well. I am in love with skating and with all of the challenging things I can make my body do on skates. I was worried about the risk to my body from doing this (which is still a real and logical concern) but I wasn't expecting the improvement. I can actually feel my knees and ankle becoming stronger and more stable because of the muscles that are targeted to do what I'm doing.

As I improve and am trying more difficult things I felt it was especially important to try and protect myself as much as I can. That's why I ordered these (which I think should be a part of every Fresh Meat package)



as well as these for under my kneepads. See. I'm trying to be safe. I am.

I am also going to watch my first bout this weekend. I have no idea what to expect. I'm actually mostly really excited about spending my first night with out Baby B. Yeah!

Oh and by the way. These are my skates, basically.

Worth It

It's that time of year once again. Summer fair time. So please try to ignore the toque Peter is wearing in several of the photos. It wasn't really cold but last year he was under dressed and learned his lesson.

This was Little B's first time riding. Last year she happily rode around in the stroller, content to simply observe the action. This year, not so much. She was, overall, very well behaved until she started to get tired and totally lost it. It brought back traumatic memories of us taking Miss A to the fair at this age. Apparently, we never learned a thing. Ha.

As usual Miss A was fearless. Little B, being small for her age, couldn't go on many rides which was terribly unfortunate because she loved them ALL. She would often be crying on the ride before it began because the anticipation was horrible for her. The Carnie guys kept saying to us "She doesn't want to ride." but we would explain "She just can't wait for it to start!" they would shake their heads at us until they started the ride and she would shut up and start smiling her head off.

We paid an obscene amount for fair food but really, you're missing out on the experience if you don't pay $5 for a corn. dog. Sigh. She only eats one once a year. Also, did you know that blue cotton candy can turn a child's feces the exact same color? Needless to say Miss A and I were both surprised when she hollered at me to join her in the bathroom to see her "Blue Poop!".

Regardless of the cost, I'm always glad we go because they enjoy it so much. Next year should be even better.

Sleeping

Is there anything more beautiful than a sleeping child? Especially when it's your child. Because when they are sleeping they aren't crying. Or whining. Or sassing. Or turning their nose up at the food you made. Or saying "No". They are just quiet. And their small relaxed faces remind you that perhaps it wasn't the worst idea you ever had to go ahead and make babies.










And these moments are pretty good too.

Contraption

The above is a contraption called a Pigg-o-Stat. Baby B had the opportunity to experience it on Tuesday only she wasn't as complacent as the child in the photo. She managed to force her head forward between the plexiglass. We then had to come out from behind the radiation safe wall (Ha!) and reposition her. Awesome.

Turns out she's fine. Just croup related bronchial narrowing. I wish I had been keeping track of the number of times this kid has had croup. It's ridiculous.

Anyway, I'm a terrible blogger as usual. Facebook has been the ruination of this blog. Tell me please if I have any readers who are not also friends of mine on facebook. Not that a quick status update is in any way as awesome as a blog post but I find I keep thinking, aww I don't need to post people know what's up with me. Do you?

I Have Something to Say. Finally.

It's shocking. I actually do. I've been feeling like a freeloader. Reading blogs, feeling connected to the writers and giving nothing in return. Well, except Twilight related videos. Oh and Elmo too. Anyway, I'm here. I really have been writing. I'm 22 pages into a story I started writing on Easter weekend. I'm really excited about it. Really. It's been very all consuming. Also, I just read this story. Frick. I put it down at one point and yelled at Peter for getting me to read it. I asked him, told him, there had better be a good reason why he begged me to read it. Asked him how much more would I have to endure before the @ss kicking I knew had to be coming? I'm glad I soldiered through.

This is the stuff I would appreciate feedback on. Okay. Here goes.

My TaeKwon Do instructor dropped the bomb on me this week that he thinks I should test for my 3rd Degree Black Belt. In November. This came as a gigantic surprise to me. Prior to my previous Black Belt examinations I had been training regularly. I hadn't had two children. I wasn't training a measly 90 minutes a week. I didn't think testing while training so little was even an option which is why the suggestion caught me so off guard.

On one hand I am flattered, that may be the wrong word but I'll go with it, that he has enough faith in me, in the small amount of time that I have to dedicate to training before November, to think I may be ready to test. He also admitted to me and the whole class that he also had somewhat selfish reasons for wanting his black belts to advance. Regardless, although I didn't expect it, I can't deny I'm interested. Of course I want to advance.

Now the other hand. The idea of actually embarking on this journey of training to 3rd Dan scares the crap out of me. Logistically, I have no idea how I'll be able to do it. How I can possibly be ready to test in amount of time I have to prepare. Another thing that worries me is how I will ever live up to my last test. Testing to my 2nd Dan was one of the things I am most proud of ever doing. Not the getting of the rank but the actual test. It was like an out of body experience. I was so prepared, so tuned in that while I was performing each task, especially my patterns by body took over and my mind was all like "Wow. You're doing awesome. Way to go!" and then I was like "Hey. My body is totally in auto pilot and I'm not even really paying attention to what it's doing." Except I was, or I must have been because I didn't mess up. I did awesome. So awesome that I impressed the Master who tested me and was invited to travel 4 hours to his city to train with him on weekends if I could. (I couldn't.) A part of me is really afraid of replacing that memory with one of me having a terrible test Scraping by. Feeling like I don't deserve the new rank.

So I'm not sure what to do. If I make the decision to do it I know I will commit wholeheartedly. Still, wholehearted now and wholehearted before two kids is different. I am finding the whole idea very daunting and I'm thinking it may be impossible to be as ready as I need to be.

AND... then there is this little matter of ROLLER DERBY starting up in my city. Roller. Derby. How cool is that? And I'm SO interested. But I can't do both. There is no way. I really am interested but I'm also wondering if my wanting doing to do it is just a good way to get out of training for my 3rd Dan.

Busy

I'm still writing and therefore, neglecting... In the meantime.

Squeeee!!!!

Good Excuse...

for my blogging laziness. I've been writing! A story. And I think it might be pretty good. So while I'm busy with that, please enjoy this very, very funny video courtesy of Sesame Street.

I Haven't Done This Sort of Thing in a While

Right... Important Stuff

I mentioned our trip to the city and the reason for the appointment, B's eye, and then never said how it went. I'll be perfectly honest, I felt it was a complete waste of time. We went in the night before to avoid bad weather that didn't actually happen and we spent $100 on a hotel room. Our appointment was all of maybe 15 minutes and she was barely looked at. He seems satisfied that she is seeing well and thinks the droop will become less obvious as she gets older. I hope this is all true but is difficult for me to believe that he can determine this with minimal examination.

When complaining to someone else about this they pointed out that her doctor is a specialist and he likely doesn't need to do such a thorough examination in subsequent visits because he can see improvement just by looking and without measuring or using any instruments. Perhaps this is true but I would appreciate it if he spent a little more time, just to humor me and make me feel like it was worth a two hour drive and the cost of a hotel room.

He also said he'd see us "one more time" in six months. Maybe I was reading too much into his tone but it sounded like he thought it would be a waste of time, but he'd look at her again anyway. All I could think was, Dude, if you think it's a waste of time don't waste our time by getting us to come.

I should be happy right? Happy that he thinks it's really nothing, barely worth his time. I just feel like I need a bit more reassurance that everything is indeed okay. I might not get that in six months but I really hope to.