Contraption

The above is a contraption called a Pigg-o-Stat. Baby B had the opportunity to experience it on Tuesday only she wasn't as complacent as the child in the photo. She managed to force her head forward between the plexiglass. We then had to come out from behind the radiation safe wall (Ha!) and reposition her. Awesome.

Turns out she's fine. Just croup related bronchial narrowing. I wish I had been keeping track of the number of times this kid has had croup. It's ridiculous.

Anyway, I'm a terrible blogger as usual. Facebook has been the ruination of this blog. Tell me please if I have any readers who are not also friends of mine on facebook. Not that a quick status update is in any way as awesome as a blog post but I find I keep thinking, aww I don't need to post people know what's up with me. Do you?

Right... Important Stuff

I mentioned our trip to the city and the reason for the appointment, B's eye, and then never said how it went. I'll be perfectly honest, I felt it was a complete waste of time. We went in the night before to avoid bad weather that didn't actually happen and we spent $100 on a hotel room. Our appointment was all of maybe 15 minutes and she was barely looked at. He seems satisfied that she is seeing well and thinks the droop will become less obvious as she gets older. I hope this is all true but is difficult for me to believe that he can determine this with minimal examination.

When complaining to someone else about this they pointed out that her doctor is a specialist and he likely doesn't need to do such a thorough examination in subsequent visits because he can see improvement just by looking and without measuring or using any instruments. Perhaps this is true but I would appreciate it if he spent a little more time, just to humor me and make me feel like it was worth a two hour drive and the cost of a hotel room.

He also said he'd see us "one more time" in six months. Maybe I was reading too much into his tone but it sounded like he thought it would be a waste of time, but he'd look at her again anyway. All I could think was, Dude, if you think it's a waste of time don't waste our time by getting us to come.

I should be happy right? Happy that he thinks it's really nothing, barely worth his time. I just feel like I need a bit more reassurance that everything is indeed okay. I might not get that in six months but I really hope to.

An Explanation Nonetheless

So. Turns out I am a terrible blogger these days. Can't seem to make it happen. I defend myself by explaining some of the major contributing factors to this. Miss A loves the computer, which in turn means it's not available for me to use. If I do manage to get on it Baby B climbs up with me preventing me from actually getting anything done or turns off the computer or switches off the powerbar all of which make me want to lose my mind with frustration so I tend to just avoid it. Baby B often doesn't go to bed until after 10:30. We've been watching Friday Night Lights. I play the Sims 3 during B's naps instead of writing posts. (Coincidentally, Sim B is much more cooperative than real B. Perhaps that is why I find such pleasure in playing that game.) That pretty much sums it up I think. Some of the excuses I think are quite good and others are rather lame. Ah well...

Here is an interesting discovery that I should have made ages ago. I was watching this video



the other day and it suddenly and strangely (because you can't really see him) occurred to me that Thom Yorke has ptosis just like Baby B. And in the same eye.





I have loved this man for years and have gushed many times about how adorable, what I describe as his squiffy eye, is. How did it take me so long to notice that my sweet baby shares this condition with one of my favorite musicians? It was/is an important discovery for me because somehow knowing this makes me more appreciative of it and less freaked out about it. I almost feel like I can embrace it now. I know this must sound idiotic but it's true. I guess it's knowing that although I noticed his eye when I first saw Thom Yorke in a Radiohead video and wondered why it was the way it was, it soon became yet another quirky thing I loved about him and it in fact made him even more attractive to me because of it. It makes me think that if B doesn't end up having surgery to correct this that it will be a thing that makes her unique and even if people do say things to her about it they will begin to accept it as part of what makes her who she is and that she will be loved regardless of any flaws visible or not.

Ambitious

I think it's safe to say this will be my last post before Christmas. Which I'm sure is a total shock to all of you since I've been posting so often these days...

And because I'm lazy mostly I'm just going to use pictures to catch you up on the goings on around here as well as to entertain you.

First of all, I'd like to introduce you to our Christmas tree. It's um... huge. I'm kind of the one in charge of picking the tree. My requirement is that it be almost tall enough to touch the ceiling, however, because we have a rather small living room the Christmas tree usually takes up a considerable amount of room. I was sort of in shock after we brought our tree in this year and it began to warm up and the branches began to fall into place. Enormous. It is beautiful though and worth the amount of space it takes up. A has defined it as perfect and B has amazingly left it alone mostly, only pointing, smiling and touching it occasionally. It's a good thing we have two entrances to the room because it fills almost half of one of them.




We taped 'The Polar Express' off of television and Miss A has been watching it once a day. It's pretty astounding to look at even though it's a few years old already. It's also rather frightening in several parts. I still haven't figured out why kids movies always seem to have to have scary stuff in them, it makes no sense to me. As far as I'm concerned if it was that stressful to get to the North Pole I'd rather not go, however it does seem like the kind of dream Miss A would have.

Which reminds me, the other morning she woke up early crying. I went in to see what was wrong. She told me she had a dream that Santa was here and had brought presents and Baby B had opened hers already. I asked her if that upset her. She told me no, that Santa had said B was guilty. I asked her if Santa was angry with B. "Him was." I have to admit that my heart was warmed by the fact that she is protective of her sister, even in her dreams. Even when she had a right to be angry with her. I have no idea where the 'guilty' part came from but it amused me.

Baby B still continues to struggle with sleep and I continue to struggle with having so little of it. I fantasize all the time about the summer when my sister has volunteered to keep them for a couple of nights. Two. whole. night. With uninterrupted sleep. Heaven. Here she is sleeping in each of her beds. Her crib and her playpen. I really don't care which one she sleeps in. I'd just like her to stay in one for the duration of the night.




I can do what you are doing is going strong around here. Which make me insane some days. It seems B is constantly screeching about something that her sister has that she doesn't. Miss A is extremely patient for the most part but occasionally goes in her room, shuts the door and plays by herself. B has recently learned to say her name in her own way and I don't think I'd be giving away to much by sharing it. She stands outside her door and yells "AUDRA!" It took me a while to figure out she was saying her name and not just yelling some random thing because it sounds a lot like other non-words she says. I do think she's on the verge of really talking because she seems to be coming out with several things lately like, shut and gum. (um!) (thanks to my mother, the gum lady.) Anyway, I often repeat a mantra to myself - enjoy, enjoy, enjoy, but when she's crying or screeching yet again it's sometimes difficult not to wish her older and less whiny.



Anyway, hope you all have a very Merry Christmas, and enjoy the season rather than stress about it.

My Girls

Seriously I am disgusted with my lack of postage on the blog recently. I'm not sure what my problem is. Stuff is happening. Perhaps too much stuff yet nothing of much actual interest? Another reason that comes to mind is that Baby B has been taking the notion to switch off the power bar while I'm on the computer recently. Just one of the many charming things she's been doing of late. Which leads me nicely into the first subject of this post.

B. Seriously. This kid is MAKING ME NUTS! I know this is redundant because I mentioned it in my last of infrequent posts but it bears repeating because crap sakes she really, really is. I am trying so hard to enjoy her right now. You know, because that is what people tell you you should be doing because "they grow up so fast, before you know it they'll be grown up." Honestly, I know this. I have a living, breathing, vibrating with energy example of this in my 4 year old daughter. Evidence that they do indeed grow up and learn to entertain themselves in constructive, rather than destructive ways. Right now B is in this majorly mischievous phase. I feel like I have to sneak around my house sometimes so that she won't follow me and get into trouble. We keep both our bedroom and bathroom doors closed at all times now because she cannot be trusted. She seems to be magnetically attracted to everything that she isn't supposed to touch.

I realize I'm coming across like a first time mom here. Or a mother whose first child was a perfect angel (subjectively) who always did what she was told, sat quietly and played with her toys etc... which of course any of you who've been reading since A was a toddler, know that I didn't. But I can honestly say, as shocking as it might seem to any of you who remember A's shenanigans, that B is more active, more curious, more... exhausting. Peter and I have discussed this whilst shaking our heads wondering aloud how we created yet another child who is this wild.

I am so happy that A is in preschool because it allows her to have a break and be able to do things without her sister climbing on top of her to get to her toys or food or craft or whatever. Other times she just goes in her room and closes the door so she can have a little undisturbed playtime. I am amazed at how loving and patient she can be though and I try to take some inspiration from her in that department because it seems my patience is running dangerously low these days. When I lose it with B I can see that it upsets A which in turn upsets me both for losing it and for upsetting both kids... Ah, good times. As difficult as she is right now, she is also a sweetheart. She's fun loving, good natured, and hilarious. Oh yeah, and she still doesn't sleep worth a darn.





And then there is Miss A. I have been having many of the opposite kind of moments with her lately. Moments where I am astounded, and stupidly saddened, by how grown up she is. I watch her doing something amazing and remember that she was once this tiny helpless squawking baby in my arms. And then I'm struck by the fact that I am one of the people responsible for bringing her to the place she is today. This incredible little person that I helped to shape.

The other day we were heading to the optometrist for her yearly eye examination. I was asking her if she remembered what the eye doctor did during the exam. She had him confused with our regular doctor. Then she piped up about this dream she had about a bad doctor and how "he took off all my skin and drank my BLOOD!!" I, as I often am when she tells me about her dreams, was flabbergasted. I told her that sounded like a terrible dream. She agreed and told me that once she woke up and saw that she still had her skin and blood she was okay. I swear that I don't allow her to watch horror movies in her spare time. I have no idea where this stuff comes from. I fear that she has inherited the vivid dreams from me. I recall having nightmares often as a child but I always thought it might have had something to do with my tumultuous childhood. It seems I would have had them regardless just as A does.

She is loving preschool and gymnastics and the kids seem to flock to her in both places. I'm happy to say that she stands her ground and sticks up for herself when the need arises which was never something that I was good at (I'm still not very good at it) and I feel is an important skill to have. Her teachers have given me excellent feedback about her without me needing to ask which I take to be a good sign. She is still a very intense person but she seems to be getting a better handle on her emotions all the time under normal circumstances. If she is tired or hungry however, it's an entirely different story.



I am completely comfortable saying that we are done, our family is complete. I know in my soul that I do not have it in me to do it again. I have reached my limit. I am not cut out to be the mother of more than two. Sometimes I doubt my ability to be the mother of two but I think (hope) it's normal to feel that way sometimes.

Also, 29 DAYS UNTIL NEW MOON!!!!

More Watching And Waiting

My last post was regarding Baby B's eye issue. I've been meaning to write about the other appointment we had last week. We saw a podiatrist. Why? B's left foot (to match her left eye, coincidence??) turns in rather severely as she walks. I was a bit concerned because it hasn't been improving as she has been walking longer and sometimes her toe drags as well. It seemed like yet another thing I should have checked out. The podiatrist told me she's walking that way due to a bowed tibia. The good news is that she'll very likely grow out of it although she figured we'll probably need to put an orthotic in her shoe when she's around four. Fine with me, as long as we get it straightened out. Literally and figuratively.

Poor kid though. Seriously. I know this stuff can be character building but honestly it pains me to think about the razzing that she could suffer if we are still dealing with this by the time she goes to school. sigh.

On a less sympathetic note regarding the little one... SHE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY RIGHT NOW!!! Honestly. She climbs up in to her high chair repeatedly and then can't get out. She has started messing with the computer which looks cute in the picture but in reality... She is always trying to steal her sisters food, which, often she can't eat anyway because she only has THREE TEETH! (all of which you can see in the last photo!) She is becoming increasingly bored with mushy food so I'm finding I have to get continually more creative with what I am feeding her. And finally I still need to use the living room as her second bedroom halfway through the night otherwise she wakes her big sister too frequently resulting in a very grumpy Miss A and thus a very grumpy Mama. On the bright side, for the most part she's keeping her clothes on.

The Little One

So I'm feeling kind of bad that I didn't write too much for B's birthday. I think about when it was just Miss A and I blogged so much more, recording so much more of what she was doing and what she was like. Obviously I don't have the same kind of time that I did back then but I also seem to be a bit lazy about it. I'll try to make up for that a bit now.

Here are some pictures from B's birthday. Here she is, not really eating her cake because my mom stuffed her so full of food that cake did not appeal to her.



Opening presents.



And here she is just being her usual charming self. This picture perfectly represents her sweet personality and when I look at it I feel a tad less bitter about the entire year of sleep that I have missed out on.



The girl still does not have ONE. SINGLE. TOOTH. Any of you who were reading my blog back when Miss A was a baby will remember the dozens of posts I wrote obsessing over her lack of teeth, whether or not she actually had any teeth, wondering if I should be worried and possibly taking her to the dentist, and WHERE THE CRAP ARE HER TEETH ANYWAY? And this time I haven't complained or mentioned it once. I guess that goes to show how much more laid back you are the second time around. I'm not concerned at all. I know they'll turn up eventually. I'm slightly impatient because I secretly wonder/hope that once they start to come she'll start sleeping like a normal human being and therefore so will I.



She is a total blankie girl. I'm not sure why, but this took me by surprise. I guess because Miss A has her 'baby' the soft little pink dolly that she is attached to. I think I expected B to become attached to something similar rather than a blanket. The blanket seems to be a far more dangerous thing to be attached to since she often slips on it while dragging it around with her and sometimes takes pretty rough tumbles followed by plenty of crying. The most hilarious thing she does is walk around with her blankie on her head. She wanders around like a tiny drunk person, bumps into things and falls on her bum. We simply shake our heads.





These days I am feeling more and more like our family is whole, certain that we are 'finished'. Though it is a hard thing to finalize. Baby B is the perfect addition and completion for us. And that gives me a great feeling of peace and satisfaction.

Umm... This is Late

Baby B was ONE on Friday. As many of you know I like to make montages of photos from the year. The first year always seems so extra amazing. I totally procrastinated this year and then when I really needed to get it done I ran into some technical difficulties. In any case I stayed up FAR too late last night finishing it and I believe I barely completed it before the day of her birth was through. Not that SHE cared but I did. Because I'm a crazy.

Anyway, it's been a crazy year. I simultaneously can't believe how big she is now and how small she was only one year ago. I also can't believe a person can survive on so little sleep for an entire year and not go insane. Yay me. I'd like to say it's better. I'd like to. I won't because I don't want to jinx the miniscule improvement that has been made in the past couple of months. Let me just say that five hours of uninterrupted sleep is pretty sweet right now and it's becoming more consistent all the time.

Sleep habits aside, she is the sweetest little soul. She is incredibly easy going most of the time but when she finally loses it, she really loses it. She adores her big sister and wants to do everything she does. One of her favorite things to do is wrestle with her and she gives Miss A a run for her money. She's very sensitive, her feelings are easily hurt but we can also make her smile or laugh with very little effort. I never tire of watching her change and grow every day.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Pre-Walking Crankys

Baby B took like, five steps in row last night. It's a record so far since she's mostly been taking one step then sitting down to crawl. I think this is a pretty good indication that real actual walking is right around the corner. And if I recall correctly Miss A was a BEAR around that time in her development. Such seems to be the case with B. Brother! My usually content baby has been whining and crying almost constantly and if I walk away from her she definitely freaks out. Not conducive to getting much done around here. In addition to her pre-walking I think I'm pre-menstrual because W-O-W, I have NO patience. (Although who knows in this world of breastfeeding and totally irregular periods. yay.) Yesterday morning I was literally ready to tear my hair out. Miss A was whining, the baby was whining and clinging to my leg. (I was trying to shake her off like a pesky insect.) PERSONAL SPACE CHILDREN!!!



B is still sleeping for crap. At least I'm getting 4-5 hours in a row but usually between the hours of 3-8 AM. Somehow that's not doing it for me. And the fact that I can't get a decent sleep also feels like an invasion of my personal space which makes me less patience during the day. I am getting by. Barely.

A funny Miss A story. Today she was playing the piano. After completing her made up tune she announced that it by Lucas Gooda, a little girl who has a piano and played that song. Hmmm... I have no idea where that came from, really. But I was highly entertained by it. I hope she continues to play compositions by her "imagination friends".

Dear Baby B,

Let me start by saying that I love you. You have the sweetest disposition, you are funny and strong and amazing. I can't imagine our family being complete without you.

Having said that, I have no idea how such a small person can wreak such havoc upon an entire household. It is one thing for me to be tired. I (for the most part) can cope. The thing is you are (repeatedly) waking up your Dad and your sister as well. And as you know they are one and the same in regards to lack of sleep - M I S E R A B L E. You can't possibly enjoy their company under those circumstances, I know I find it challenging.

And it's one thing for me to be tired but you are also robbing me of any 'me' time I could possibly scrape together. Staying up until 11 or 12 am means that I can't really chill with your Dad when we're watching a show. Your squeals, giggles and smiles are adorable but if I'm being honest, they lose most of their charm after 9:00 pm.

I might be more flexible if I could be sure that when you went to sleep at midnight you would not be up until 6:00 am. (Not that I wouldn't appreciate it if you slept even later.) That's only 6 hours. I really don't think that's too much to ask. Instead, you are up several times. Often at least 4 times. I am not against experiments in letting you 'self soothe' but unfortunately because you share a room with your sister it's not possible.

I would like to give you the benefit of the doubt. I would like to believe that something is bothering you and waking you up and not that you are playing some sort of evil manipulative game with me as our family physician has suggested. (Well, the word 'evil' is mine, not his.) You can't possibly enjoy getting up that frequently.

And as I'm sure you've noticed I certainly am not enjoying getting up that frequently. The sleep deprivation takes me places I never wanted to go. I have yelled at you, said unpleasant things. I feel terribly about it but to be fair, this is no way to live.

At this point, I am surviving on the knowledge that this can't possibly go on forever. Glass half empty people would tell me that you'll then move on to yet another horrific stage. I am going to try and imagine my glass half full. That one day (very soon) you will give me (and the rest of our family) a break. You will more consistently sleep through the night. I don't think this is too much to ask as you'll be an entire year old in only THREE MONTHS!!!

It is just a tiny piece of the whole puzzle but it seems to be the most important one. Otherwise, we have no complaints. We give you an A+ in every other area but your sleeping issues are dragging your overall grade to an F-. I don't even think there is such a grade as an F minus but you have invented it. Congratulations. I'm being facetious. Please cut this crap the heck out.

Love,
your very tired, cranky, stressed, resentful, uncharacteristically angry Mom

P.S. I'm not one to make threats but I'd like to point out to you that once summer comes our new chariot could make an excellent bed.

Aaauuugh

That zombie speak for "I'm freakin' tired." And since I am currently a zombie from lack of sleep pardon me if this post is unintelligible. I'm here. Barely. And I trying to put something out there.

The baby. The sweet, sweet smiling baby. She won't sleep. At least not for any human length of time. Mostly two hours at a time. The other night she was up every hour. If she ever sleeps for three hours it is NEVER during the night. No. Because my theory is correct. She is in fact, a secret weapon sent here from the future to keep people, me for starters, from accomplishing world altering tasks. Yeah. Um. Did I mention I'm tired? Anyway!

Along with the not sleeping there is also the crazy, growing up too fast business. The girl is just over seven months old, has mastered crawling and now look at this.



That's right. Standing. For crap sake. I mean, seriously. And with the standing comes the falling. And the crying. Oh, the crying. And then the forgetting and the doing it over and over. And she's also trying to climb up on top of the things she's standing at. And trying to grab other things and walk over to them. I remember when Miss A was doing this at nine months I thought it was crazy and dangerous because, wow, she's still a baby, but her sister... I should have guessed by the beating I took from her while she was in utero.

Because she is such a busy pants I finally had to get her out of the bassinet, (I was procrastinating because #1 she has been a terrible sleeper and I felt guilty about her disrupting Miss A so often in the night and #2 she's been sick FOREVER and I was waiting for her to get better.) this caused me a great deal of stress leading up to actually doing it but has actually been a much easier transition than I would have thought. Miss A seems oblivious to the numerous times I/we are in and out of her room as well as to B's wailing if I can't drag my sorry, half dead butt there quickly enough. It gives me the opportunity to cover up her cute little tushie when it's sticking out of the blankets and has given me a new reason to love/appreciate her, because she keeps right on sleeping. A is THRILLED to finally have her sharing the room, in fact she cried the first morning after Baby B slept 'with' her because B had gone to bed after she did and got up before she did and in the morning when A peeked in the crib she was convinced that she hadn't slept there at all.

Bathing in the big bathtub is also a new event, exciting to both girls. I snapped this cute photo to commemorate the first one.



Here is a picture of the child that sleeps. I rarely get photos like this anymore...



And here is the secret weapon during one of her brief sleeping sessions.



I'd like to ask the me from the picture what I'm so smiley about. Come on. You're flippin' exhausted lady!!

I'm So Glad That's Over

Oh Yes She Is

Crawling. Already. She's not even 7 months old yet. What is the rush? She's my last, I'm 99.9% positive. Why must she be in such a hurry to grow up?

It Has A Name

A few months back I posted this. Baby B was only just over one month at the time. There was another motivating factor for my writing that post, one that I never mentioned. Something that has worried me since she was born both for vain reasons as well as valid ones.

When Baby B was born we quickly noticed that she really couldn't open her left eye at all. It pretty much stayed closed all the time and she'd peek out of her right eye at us. We affectionately called her Popeye during that phase. We were told not to worry about it. That it could have happened for many reasons - position in the womb, during birth, or something like that. We were told that it would likely get better or possibly go away, by the time she was six months. It hasn't. It has gotten better, which is good. But when I'm editing our photos and I'm removing red eye it's painfully noticeable how bad it still is. What had me the most worried was that I noticed her eyelid is often partially covering her pupil which makes me wonder how much her other eye is overcompensating.

The part of it that plays into the post I linked earlier is that people are starting to notice it. One girl pointed out to me "There's something wrong with her eye." other comments have been like "Oh, she's got a lazy eye." and that sort of thing. It's as though it's the only thing they see. Meanwhile Miss A is getting the "OMG! Her eyes are SO BIG and SO GORGEOUS!!" It's only a matter of time before both of them aren't too young to be oblivious to the comments, the meaning behind them and suffer hurt feelings.



On Monday we had an appointment with our Optometrist. He did as many tests as he could and told me that although her left eye seemed a bit weaker it was still considered normal - vision wise. But he did tell me that her 'condition' has a name - Ptosis. He also referred us to a specialist in a nearby city. He will be able to investigate further and determine whether or not he thinks surgery is necessary now, or perhaps later.

I'm glad to finally have a definitive answer about what is up with her eye, and plans to look into it further. I often feel guilty for being concerned about it when I know that there are kids out there with much more serious issues and parents with HUGE worries regarding their children's health.

Yet, I still find my heart sinks when I look at her sweet face and see how her poor little eye looks so tired. And it sinks even further when I get those comments that one day soon she'll be able to understand.

When You're Smiling

My baby girl. She's smiling already. It's a beautiful smile. And she has a dimple. It's adorable. When I see her smile I feel like I'm seeing a glimpse of the good natured, happy girl that she is going to be. Here, see for yourselves...





*Note to all parents: If you use the word 'ridiculous' around your children, say in a sentence such as "She's been acting so ridiculous lately!" don't be surprised to hear your child say back to you "Who's a-dick-less Mommy?"

Hey, Let Me Out of Here

Do you ever have that feeling that you are trapped inside yourself? What I mean is, do you ever feel like the real you is on the inside watching this other, awful version of yourself behave horribly?

I've been feeling like this a lot lately. Like I'm inside listening to myself talking to Miss A in a way that I don't like, hearing that edge to my voice, knowing that I'm being overly harsh. Sure I can say that I'm tired from being up with the baby for an hour or so each night. That it's wearing me down. It's true but I feel it's a cop out. Miss A didn't have a choice about when we decided to have another baby. She couldn't tell us to wait until she was a little older or a little less demanding so that I wouldn't get so frustrated with her all of the time. Although, I'm honestly not sure if that would make a difference.

I know that when I'm getting after her it's for a reason it's just on those days when I feel disconnected from myself I hate the tone I am taking with her, how I sound when I'm disciplining her, how unnecessarily harsh I am. It makes me sick actually. And even though I recognize myself doing it, I can't seem to stop. Not at the time or in the future. It's a terrible feeling.

I'm hoping this lack of patience and calm is just a product of sleep deprivation in which case it won't last forever. Also, Miss A started preschool TODAY!! So perhaps spending a little bit more time apart, when she can have fun, learn, and be stimulated and I can... do whatever I need to do, will help the situation. AND Peter and I are taking a yoga class together starting tonight! With any luck this will chill us both out a little, give us a break to spend time together and make us feel refreshed. We can only hope!

In the meantime, here is my school girl!

Don't Hate Me For This One...

I'm going to apologize for this post right now. In fact I'm kind of ashamed to be writing it but I kind of feel like I need to get it out there. Why? I'm not sure. I'm weird like that.

Although Baby B is a mere six weeks of age I already worry about her. But wait, before you tell me this is normal I will be more specific about what it is exactly that I worry about.

I worry that she will live in her sister's shadow.

I think I have mentioned several times here, at the risk of sounding totally braggy pants, that I think Miss A is ridiculously stunning. When I say stuff like that I really don't mean to be boastful at all, it's just that I am genuinely floored and flabbergasted by her beauty. I worry about her too. I worry about how her looks might affect her as she gets older and the way people treat her or the way she treats others. I don't want her to be judged only by her looks or to be able to coast through things easily because of them. (I even see the beginnings of this already) I don't want her to become a 'mean girl'. I only hope that I will be able to teach her the right things as she grows and she'll know that looks are not what count, but who you are and how you treat people.

So the thing is I'm worrying that B will have to suffer the hardship of being the pretty girls sister. You know, the one that no one notices. Having to hear all the time about how gorgeous her sister is, blah, blah, blah. I know this must sound ridiculous. After all Baby B is only a few weeks old.

But I remember A even at this early age. Her long, dark eyelashes. Her big, pouty lips. Her skin. Everything. People told me all the time what a beautiful baby she was. Strangers would stop me so they could tell me this. They would never use the word cute, but beautiful. And they were never the 'just being polite' kind of compliments, they always seemed to be given with a kind of awe. Being that I find myself utterly ordinary I am still in shock that I gave birth to this girl. I feel totally unprepared and inexperienced in regards to what I need to do in order to keep her grounded but I will do my best.

My sweet B. Her eyelashes may not be so long, or dark. Her lips not so pouty. She may not be as striking. But I sense the sweetness about her. I think she will have the most lovely disposition. She is already so patient and tolerant. So easy going. So nice.

And this is why I worry. Maybe because I have my own hang ups about the importance of beauty in our society. Maybe because I endured being told I was ugly by my peers at a very young age and even now, years later recognize that the scars left by those words are still there. Maybe I'm projecting. But it breaks my heart to think that my daughter might ever feel that way about herself. (And please understand I'm not saying B is ugly, I'm just saying, kids can be cruel.)

I know we can't protect our kids from everything. Especially not from the things that people will say or the way that people will treat them. I can only try to help them understand why.

Of course I have no way of knowing if my worries are valid. It is just something that has been nagging at me. I know I risk sounding like a HUGE jerk even writing this or at the very least, ridiculous but it's been swimming around in my head for a while now and I needed to get it out. So it's okay, give it to me straight, I deserve it...

Miss A on the left, Baby B on the right. (Okay, I might be on crack, they kinda look the same.)

Realization

My birthday was great. Peter and I went to a rock climbing wall first and then for supper. The rock climbing was much harder than the last (and only) time I did it. Although to be fair I just had a baby six weeks ago and my ankle is still kinda sucky.

For those of you with a week stomach, don't look at the following picture. I had to get a photographic evidence of the amazing pukey baby. "Happy Birthday Mama!"



I was thinking about something this evening as I was rocking with the baby. From 8:30 (if I'm lucky) (and I realize some of you would be SO happy if their kids got up at 8:30) until anywhere from 10:00pm to 12:00am (or later) I am looking after kids without a break. I know that's what being a mom is all about, yada, yada, yada, but you know what... it's getting tiring.

I was used to having some down time after Miss A would go to bed. Now it's get her to bed then spend the rest of the evening settling Baby B down. At least we can still watch television or a movie if she's not too fussy. And for the past two nights she's slept a really nice long stretch when she finally does go down.

I know this isn't going to last forever. And I also remember being so much more exhausted, frustrated, angry, etc. when A was a baby. So really, I'm doing well. Still, I'm tired. But yeah, goes with the territory, I know.

One new thing that I have mixed feelings about - Miss A has learned to use the computer. Okay, I taught her. She was interested in playing computer games so I thought I'd show her this website. At first she couldn't really do anything. I would sit with her with my hand over her hand on the mouse, showing her how to move it and which button to click. Then she started doing it on her own. This was only a few days ago. Now she can navigate all over the site, playing different games, watching videos. It's crazy. When I show her something once, she remembers. I barely have to help her anymore. She requests to play often now and I am limiting the time she spends on the computer, but... it does allow me to get stuff done. And I have to ask myself if it's better or worse than watching a bit of television. It's more interactive, improves hand/eye coordination and the games are all educational. Do I sound like I'm making excuses? Honestly, I don't think it's so bad. Mostly I am just totally amazed at how quickly she has caught on. I hope everything in life is so easy for her to learn.

Another Year Goes By

So I'm 32 today. Yep. It should be a good day. Grandma is coming over for lunch. My sister and niece are coming over to babysit tonight so Peter and I can go for supper. The baby slept through the night for the first time.

And here is my gift to all of you today. A video we took one of the first times Miss A held Baby B. She attempts to feed her and well you will see the hilarity that ensues...

My Girls

The other day I was talking to a friend and I off handedly said "The kids" and then stopped for a second. Plural. I have kids. Wow.

Things are still going along nicely. This week will be the true test as I will be 'flying solo' starting tomorrow.

I have a terrible cough at the moment which I find incredibly irritating because it is stealing further sleep from me after I get the baby settled down in the night. I lay there hacking away, my face buried into a pillow in an attempt to disturb everyone else as little as possible. I am taking a mild cough syrup only at night as well as slathering myself with 'Vicks' and I keep 'Riccola' cough lozenges on my bedside table. I will be thrilled when it finally goes away but I'm certain sleep deprivation does nothing for the immune system and a person's ability to get healthy.

Miss A has been amazing with Baby B. At the moment she is 'reading' her a story. I am relieved that she seems to really love her sister already and I don't feel that I need to worry about her doing anything physically aggressive towards her if I'm not looking. However, she is playing the baby card with her Dad and I. She wants to be carried, is crying more, baby talking etc. She seems to especially dislike it when her Dad is carrying or holding B. She then insists that he carry or hold her also which he usually manages somehow. She sometimes does this to me as well but seems to understand a bit more when it comes to me. Perhaps because I have been unable to do certain things for/with her for a while now and so she is more used to it. For the most part I don't feel that I can really complain about her behavior much, considering the adjustment I think she's doing rather well.

*Sidenote Miss A is going to miss her playmate when he goes back to work. They play pretend all the time and she explains to him who each of them are. "I am the Mama and you are the Baby." and so on. But when she refers to him Daddy always precedes who his 'is'. For instance DaddyBaby, DaddyKitty, DaddyMonster etc.

Miss A has finally cut two (the bottom two) of her remaining molars. Sheesh. The kid has had a brutal time with teething. This might explain why she was getting up in the night last week. Seems back to normal now. (Thank GOD!)

And finally... I am totally immersed in Bella and Edward land reading the final book in the Twilight Series, 'Breaking Dawn'. I think I have been exercising incredible restraint by not getting up to read after settling Baby B back down in the middle of the night and feeling wide awake. Instead I lay in bed a while thinking about them and developing theories about what is going to happen.