Monday, September 08, 2008

Hey, Let Me Out of Here

Do you ever have that feeling that you are trapped inside yourself? What I mean is, do you ever feel like the real you is on the inside watching this other, awful version of yourself behave horribly?

I've been feeling like this a lot lately. Like I'm inside listening to myself talking to Miss A in a way that I don't like, hearing that edge to my voice, knowing that I'm being overly harsh. Sure I can say that I'm tired from being up with the baby for an hour or so each night. That it's wearing me down. It's true but I feel it's a cop out. Miss A didn't have a choice about when we decided to have another baby. She couldn't tell us to wait until she was a little older or a little less demanding so that I wouldn't get so frustrated with her all of the time. Although, I'm honestly not sure if that would make a difference.

I know that when I'm getting after her it's for a reason it's just on those days when I feel disconnected from myself I hate the tone I am taking with her, how I sound when I'm disciplining her, how unnecessarily harsh I am. It makes me sick actually. And even though I recognize myself doing it, I can't seem to stop. Not at the time or in the future. It's a terrible feeling.

I'm hoping this lack of patience and calm is just a product of sleep deprivation in which case it won't last forever. Also, Miss A started preschool TODAY!! So perhaps spending a little bit more time apart, when she can have fun, learn, and be stimulated and I can... do whatever I need to do, will help the situation. AND Peter and I are taking a yoga class together starting tonight! With any luck this will chill us both out a little, give us a break to spend time together and make us feel refreshed. We can only hope!

In the meantime, here is my school girl!


Jenn said...

I know what you are not alone.
Wow, Miss A is a school girl! She looks so grown-up and so terribly proud of herself! It is nice when you get that break and she will have SO much fun.

jen k said...

maybe its something in the air Dawn, but i feel very similar...when you feel so unlike yourself...

elizasmom said...

She is so goshdarn cute in that picture.

And cut yourself some slack, woman! You are dealing with a baby and a spirited preschooler on very little sleep! I understand about feeling guilty, though, and I hope that her time at school gives all of you a little breather.

Enjoy your yoga class with Peter.

bon said...

It'll get better. Then it'll get worse and then it'll get better again. Sigh.

Also remember where you come from. Chances are if you heard that "voice" from YOUR mama, you'll hear it come out of your mouth. Takes work and practice to get yourself to stop when you are in the thick of it... feeling bad physically, depressed etc. Is hard. Baby steps. Deep breath.

Don't forget that you are Mama D, the rockin-est mama EVAH!

shoeaddict said...

I really get that about the real YOU being stuck inside. I hope you get to feeling better. You have such a supportive husband and you are smart, you'll be fine.

It's very strange to see a jacket on Miss A.

Sugarmama said...

You wrote this two weeks ago, but I just want to say that I feel like this almost daily. And while it's not an excuse, on those rare days when I've gotten enough uninterrupted sleep the night before, I feel like an utterly different, and absolutely wonderful mother to my girls! I never fail to be amazed by how much of a difference a good night's sleep can make with my parenting skills--seriously! So yes, cut yourself some slack and know that as long as you're not like this all the time your daughters are very unlikely to remember the times when you feel you're at your worst. I'm positive that more often than not, you are the model of patience and fun!