2008

Elizasmom did this and invited anyone to join so here goes.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?

Break my ankle. Break my ankle while pregnant.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

My main two were - Have a baby (But I knew that one was happening. Is there such a thing as cheating on your resolutions?) and Start Training in Taekwon Do again. Unfortunately the first doesn't go so well with the second. That's okay, there is a time and a season for everything.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Several clients of mine. And someone I've never met in person but someone I consider myself to be close to, Bon.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Our sixteen year old, outspoken, stubborn, moody, lovely cat, Casey. An amazing woman who was one of my clients.

5. What countries did you visit?

No other Country besides Canada. I don't expect to get to another country, except maybe, the US, anytime soon.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

A greater feeling of financial security.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

July 17, the birth of our second daughter.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

There were a few. Learning how to walk again after my ankle break. Learning how to do this while VERY pregnant. Giving birth for the second time.

9. What was your biggest failure?

The times when I lost it with either Miss A or Peter. They sort or blend into one gigantic failure.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Um... yeah. See number 1.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Ah...nothing important. Killers CD maybe? Breaking Dawn, perhaps?

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My kid. Aside from that brief but violent descent into the Terrible Threes this fall, she is a sweet, funny, generous, loving little girl.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

My entire family, including myself. But I love them anyway and I'm learning to forgive myself.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Our mortgage and extra expenses while on maternity leave.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

I've got to agree with Elizasmom on this one - "Potty training! No more diapers!" Oh and that little movie called 'Twilight' was pretty exciting too.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

Viva La Vida and Human.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?

Probably happier because I'm not barfing my guts out.

b) thinner or fatter?

Hard to say. I'd been vomiting a lot this time last year... Still I think I may be a bit smaller.

c) richer or poorer?

Dude... poorer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Laughing.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Crying.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

At my MIL's with her brother. A great time was had by all.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?

I often fall in love with Peter and Miss A all over again. But I fell in love with Baby B.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

True Blood was probably my favorite this year and Californication was next in line.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Probably.

24. What was the best book you read?

Breaking Dawn.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Hmmm. I really liked some of the bands I hadn't heard of on the Twilight soundtrack. For instance... The Black Ghosts - "Full Moon", Blue Foundation - "Eyes on Fire", Iron & Wine - "Flightless Bird, American Mouth" and even... (or especially) Rob Pattinson - "Never Think"

26. What did you want and get?

A baby.

27. What did you want and not get?

More sleep.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Um... Twilight

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I was 32, it's an after baby haze... oh yeah, rock climbing (on a rock wall) and lobster dinner.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Financial security.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

Part One - How not to look like a huge pregnant lady when you are hugely pregnant.

Part Two - How to look good in clothes when you just gave birth.

I failed at each part.

32. What kept you sane?

Umm... I'm not sure anything did.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Yeah, Robert Pattinson.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

The whole Obama thing was pretty amazing. Even though it wasn't a political issue in my country it still affects me.

35. Who did you miss?

My niece. My cat. My friends that live far away.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

I honestly don't think I met anyone knew.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.

Relax. I didn't put it into practice though.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Sorry to be a copycat AM, "and I’m on my knees looking for the answer".

It's Over. Sigh...

So Christmas is over for another year. We traveled to Peter's Mom's place and stayed for two nights. We had a marvelous time. This Christmas was A's best yet. She was really able to understand what was going on and had a great time. I still don't think she's fully recovered from all the excitement but unfortunately we never really captured any on camera. I filmed the present opening fiesta so it's captured on video at least. This is the best of the bunch.



These are the photos we took on the way home.



We try to get pictures of Miss A of the rare occasions when she crashes in the car. We find this one particularly cute.



And of course Baby B always sleeps and is cute.




This is Peter being afraid of me driving and taking a picture at the same time.



But he really thought it was funny.



And Peter took a picture of the good winter driving conditions and the traffic.



And when we arrived home she opened her 'bigger' gifts. The one's we didn't want to pack up and have to drag home. We bought her a Barbie house and some accessories. She loved it. And I was happily surprised because I was ready to be disappointed in it once it was opened. I was worried when I bought it that it was going to be cheap and fragile. It's not. And not only that but it packs away to a tiny size which is perfect for our small house which is slowly being overrun with toys. Here are some humorous photos of the Barbies enjoying their new home and Miss A enjoying her gift. Can I just say that the washing machine and dryer actually spin. How cool is that?? (Yes, I'm living vicariously through my child!)











So anyway, now to get back into the regular swing of things. Which will likely include playing a lot of Barbies. :)

Damage

My mom didn't want me to take any pictures but I couldn't help it. I wanted to be able to show my siblings just how bad it was because I think they're all in denial.

And I'm posting them to again drive home the point how fast something like this can happen.







This pot was the start of it all, yet it is still in tact.



This is what remains of the artificial plant (deadly kindling) above the sink.



These are my girls enjoying their Grandma.



Merry Christmas and please be safe!

Blessings

Things have been crazy around here. On top of adjusting to my back to work schedule, general Christmas madness and preparations, my mother had a fire at her condo last night. Thank god she was not hurt. Seriously, if you have never experienced a miracle - live vicariously through me.

She was starting a batch of butter tarts when the phone rang. It was my sister at the door on the first floor. My mom ran down to let her in but my sister was just dropping something off and didn't want to come up. They talked for a couple of minutes when it occurred to my mom that she might have left butter melting on the stove. When she got back up to her condo the pot was dry and smoking. She transferred it across to the sink and it seemed about to burst into flames. In a panic, the best thing she could think of to do was run water on it. LET THIS BE A LESSON. DON'T DO THAT!!! The water caused the butter to basically explode which caught an artificial plant directly above the sink on the top of the cupboards to burst into flames. (Another very important tip. It is a terrible idea to have anything in your kitchen which could become coated in a film of grease from day to day cooking. If you have things like that I would highly suggest you move or dispose of them.) She went into the hallway and struggled with the fire extinguisher. Luckily a neighbor was able to get it and extinguish the fire.

The fact that my mother escaped with the slightest burn on her hand (it's not even really a burn actually) is almost unbelievable. The only explanation is that there was an angel protecting her. Her condo, however, did not fare so well. There is extensive damage to the kitchen. The ceiling is black and the light fixture is melted. I went there today and seeing it with my own eyes only made it more disturbing not to mention driving home the point that it is a miracle she was not harmed. She is staying with us right now and we have no idea how long it will take for her place to be cleaned and repaired. She most definitely won't be home for Christmas.

The saddest thing of all is knowing how awful my mom is feeling. She feels so stupid for letting something like that happen, not to mention embarrassed. She feels guilty about how this has and will effect her neighbors. She misses her home. Though she's very fortunate, not only not to be hurt but also that she didn't lose any personal belongings, it's still very depressing. There is a lot of smoke damage and everything is covered in a thick layer of soot. The disaster specialists will be starting the cleanup tomorrow.

The other thing that breaks my heart is how nervous she is about cooking now. Cooking is my mom's thing. She can cook/bake better than many people out there doing it for a living. This has really shaken her up. While we were preparing supper together this evening she was asking me all kinds of questions as though I were the amazing chef and she was some inexperienced moron. I guess this is pretty normal after something like this. I really hope that she can get past it. One of the ways my mom expresses love for others is through her cooking. It would be really strange if this big part of what makes her who she is was suddenly gone.

For now, I am just grateful and feeling blessed that she is okay. I share this to remind us all how quickly something like this can happen, even to the most experienced cook. I can't think of how many times I've left something on the stove to tend to one of my crying children. I don't think I will do this again. I would rather have them cry a while then possibly start a fire which could destroy our home, hurt us or both.

Ring a Ding Ding

My ears are ringing. I just arrived home from an evening of dancing. My old school friend/DJ was in town doing a gig at a local boutique/eatery (weird location). I would just like to say that I am officially old. Don't. Don't argue with me. Because my body would like to tell you otherwise. My back is stiff and aching (I don't even want to think about what it's going to feel like tomorrow), my knee is hurting as is my ankle which also got stiffer and stiffer the longer I danced. I suppose I shouldn't be too hard on myself. I can't remember the last time I danced for about 3 hours straight.

I went by myself and not one of the people I invited were able to make it. I ran into an acquaintance who invited me to dance with her which I did, the whole night. She is this drop dead gorgeous Czechoslovakian woman and I was staring at and coveting her cheekbones all evening. The music was superb but the crowd was irritating at best. The following would be my personal messages to some of the characters I was surrounded by.

To the girl with the hooker boots on that ended up in bare feet by the end of the night - Those boots aren't very practical for dancing. They aren't really practical for life actually.

To the two eighteen year old amorous couples - I could do without seeing you grind each other on the dance floor. This is not a club. People like you are specifically the reason why I decided to come to this event and why I avoid clubs. Please take your dirty business elsewhere.

To the drunk woman with the sparkly shirt - Please stop bumping into me. Your shirt is giving me road rash every time you touch me. If you are too intoxicated to dance perhaps you should sit down. Or another novel idea would be, go home, sleep it off and rethink that shirt.

To the guy with the 90's Matchbox 20 hair - You are not cool. No one is attracted to you. I know you were a stud once and could probably get any girl you wanted but those days have long passed. Now you are just a short, drunk guy with an outdated haircut who everyone is trying to ignore.

To my Czechoslovakian acquaintance - Why must you be so beautiful? You are very nice and I love listening to your accent but you are making me look bad. Also, I can't stop envying your cheekbones.

And this is what several people were probably thinking about me.

To the lady in the pigtails - Dude. Don't you think you are a little too old for pigtails? Why don't you get a cute short haircut like that gorgeous Czechoslovakian woman you're dancing with? You dance like someone who doesn't get out much and what is with your boobs? You totally look like you need to go and feed a baby or something.

And guess what? I do.

*#@$ !

It is so totally unfair that less than five months after having Baby B, and in spite of the fact that I am exclusively nursing, my 'womanly gift' has returned. What the bleep?

It wouldn't be quite so bad if it didn't make me feel like a bag of crap. Like a bag of crap that can't stop crying over NOTHING.

It was the weirdest thing. On Saturday night after the kids were in bed and we were catching up on various television programs I was suddenly hit with a wave of dizziness and fatigue. Soon after I discovered the likely culprit and was absolutely disgusted.

I recall it came back when Miss A was around 7 months old and I was very upset and sent a worried email to Bon asking "Am I normal?" It seems everyone else I know gets at least a year out of the deal.

Why not me? Looking after two kids is challenging enough without being an emotional basket case and feeling so exhausted that you just want to lay around all day. All of this on the heels of going back to work. Sigh.

On the upside, I'm ready for Christmas. Oh. Except for the tree which is still naked. I'll see what I can do about that.

It Crept Up on Me

Wednesday. That's tomorrow. The day I go back to work. The day my maternity leave is officially over. I'm only going back sixteen hours a week until July but still. This was the last time in my life that I was able to be at home with my kids without having to work. Tomorrow the juggling begins. The passing Peter at the door with a quick kiss and supper instructions. The pumping of milk. The stressing over having enough milk pumped. The pumping at work. Sigh.

I cannot complain. I know that many people out there have it worse than me. And this was the choice that we made. The choice that works best for us. I could have chosen to stay home longer. I'm just not sure what the consequences would be. I won't have to find out either. I will go back to work tomorrow. I will put on my happy face. I will kiss my sweet baby goodbye and know that I will be missing out on things while I am gone. I will accept it and carry on.

The Trickle Down Effect

I know it's painfully obvious to everyone who reads my blog that I have a serious obsession with Twilight. From the videos to the posts to the countdown widget. What I hadn't realized was the trickle down effect this would have on Miss A.

When the full trailer came out Peter was kind enough to transfer it to our DVR. Let's just say it was watched several times. With different people who happened to be over and were interested. Like, my sister, my niece, friends. It wasn't an overly scary trailer so I didn't mind if Miss A watched it. She pays attention to everything in great detail. So I shouldn't have been surprised when she started asking to see the 'Bella one'. And then asking many, many questions. "What's his name? Why is Edward climbing up the tree like this? (mimics him climbing fast with Bella on his back) Why is Edward kissing Bella?"

Last weekend our friends came over for supper. They gave me the awesome early Christmas gift of a Twilight poster. Miss A was pleased about it and informed me that it was Bella and Edward on the poster, then I believe she asked to see 'the Bella one'.

Today, while in the car she noticed the CD case of the soundtrack and she asked to listen to it. I told her we already were. She was delighted because she has been singing and humming along to it for weeks now. She asked to hold the case and after pointing out that Edward and Bella were on the cover she preceded to clutch it all the way home.

I think the real kicker was this past weekend when we went to Madagascar 2. This was her very first time in a movie theater. We went because Peter's work reserved the theater as a kids Christmas function. Her attention span waned a little at times during the movie and it scared her a few times but overall I think she enjoyed it. Santa was waiting for the kids as they came out. They were able to say hello and get a little present from him. Miss A thought that was kind of cool but as we continued to the exit she said "I want to see Bella!" (Which was a little confusing for those of you who know us.) Peter was the one who figured out she meant. She wanted to go and see the life size cardboard cut out of Bella and Edward at the front entrance of the theater. She happily pointed them out to us and the young girl at the ticket counter (seemingly a fan) cooed "AWWW! That's so cute!!" To which I replied "Is it cute? Or is it weird and kind of creepy that my three year old knows who they are?" Not to mention that after that she seemed to forget all about the fact that she'd just seen Santa. Sigh. I think I'm going to be in trouble when she gets to be a teenager.

I Promise I Won't Spoil Anything

That said I will reference. So for anyone who hasn't read the book skip this post or read it and don't be mad, I warned you.

So. I saw Twilight last night. And I had to write about it. Not the movie really, but the experience.

I haven't gone to a special showing of a movie on opening night for a long, long time. Peter and I were discussing the one's we've gone to and all we could come up with were 'X-Files Fight the Future' and each of the Matrix sequels. And I can say that for me at least, my anticipation for Twilight was the greatest.

Since Peter has also read the series it was important to me that we saw it together for the first time. He had volunteered to babysit but I found a babysitter so that we could both go. We went with my fifteen year old niece and a friend of mine. We arrived almost an hour and a half early. There was already a small line up but we were sure to have good seats. Other friends of mine were ahead of us in line and they ended up sitting in front of us so while we waited for the movie to begin we all had a good, hyper visit.

The crowd was pretty diverse. A lot of teens, some with, some without their Mom's. A couple of hardcore girls with official Twilight T-shirts. There were also some almost gothy looking 20 somethings who sat behind us and they were acting too cool to be there. They amused the heck out of me because they were trying to be all 'I don't care' yet there they were at the sold out show. It's not like they just decided on a whim to come because they had nothing better to do. And I heard them muttering at the teens to 'Stop texting!' and then 'The movie's starting, shut up!'

There were audible cheers and applause as the lights went down. (Some of which may have come from me, it's a blur. Ha!) The most memorable trailer was for this movie which I hadn't heard of but I'm not very excited to see. Wow, Dakota Fanning is growing up. And I think she's going to make it. I'm so glad because I think she is an amazing actress and I'd hate to see her end up being 'that child star'. I digress.

So it begins. I had the most bizarre warm feeling inside my body the entire movie. I actually enjoyed the experience of watching it with other avid fans of all ages. I thought they behaved themselves rather well. * If you don't want to know anything about what is in the movie even though you've read the book and can guess skip to the next paragraph. The only time I was confused with the crowd reaction was during the classroom scene where Edward first catches Bella's potent scent. Here is Edward Cullen obviously in pain, tormented - and the crowd starts laughing. It was the sort of reaction only a large group of people who'd read the book would have. Maybe it was nervous laughter? Who knows? Anyway, it was weird.

*Maybe skip this one too. I was happy that they took a lot of lines directly from the book. I was also impressed with some of the lines they added that were either very funny or touching. And I can't keep this one to myself, when Edward first speaks in the movie I think Robert Pattinson may have channeled Edward Scissorhands. Just that scared, socially awkward thing and his tone of voice. Don't let that turn you off though. It worked and yet was very amusing to me.

There were also parts were I had to fan myself with my hand because they were so romantically intense and beautiful. Unfortunately there were as many of those times in the movie as there were in the book but I wasn't expecting there to be so I wasn't disappointed.

I found myself feeling sad as I knew we were approaching the end. I took comfort in the fact that I'll be seeing it again on Sunday night. When it was over there were cheers and applause again and the gothy 20 somethings mocked saying 'Oh my God Twilight!!' in shrill voices. I couldn't keep my mouth shut and piped up. (indirectly) I don't remember what I said but it seemed to shut them up. I just couldn't take any more of their we're too cool to be there crap.

I was relieved when my niece broke down in the car afterwards clapping her hands saying "That was so good!!!" I was beginning to feel like a bit of a loser for being more excited than a 15 year old.

And I have said nothing of the experience of watching it with Peter. We laughed at all the same parts, swooned (I think) at all the same parts and agreed on the parts we thought were cheesy or lame. Though we both needed our sleep we lay in bed for a long while last night whispering about it. I am so glad I married someone who I have so much in common with and whose company I enjoy so much. Being married to him is like getting to have the best sleepover (or slumpover) party every night.

Anyway, go to the movie.

Obsessions

I know I've written many posts and linked many videos about Twilight. But this a honest to goodness thoughtful and serious one.

This Saturday some of the cast visited Much Music for an hour long 'Twilight Special'. Being the devoted fan that I am, I tuned in. I have watched a few short videos of the casts public appearances. It's amusing at first, all the screaming, but it gets old fast. Which is why I've only ever watched the short videos. But this live appearance at Much was basically an hour long scream fest. It was, frankly, a bit much. I started feeling like a bit of a knob for watching it. Actually, I started feeling uncomfortable.

Here are these poor, drenched, freezing kids, who'd stood outside (some for TWO DAYS!) waiting for their chance to see the stars of this movie. Although it likely won't be followed up on I have absolutely no doubt that many of these kids will end up with pneumonia. They'll be sitting in the theater when the movie comes out, deathly ill, hacking their guts out, tears streaming down their faces because "OMG, it's just so beautiful!" (Right now being a fan kinda feels like getting caught playing Bratz dolls in your bedroom.)

It got me thinking about how I'd feel as a parent if my girls wanted to go and stand in the rain for two days to see something/someone they were obsessed with. Would I let them go? I want to say 'no way'. Peter says 'no way'. But the thing is I'm still young enough to be in touch with the 15 year old girl that I was. They girl who wore a gold band on my left ring finger and a single gold sleeper in my left ear so I could be like Robert Smith. Would I have stood in the rain for two days for the chance to meet him up close? Heck yeah. Would my mother have let me? I can safely say, no.

So how far is too far? At what point as a parent do you decide an 'interest' has become too intense? Can you do anything about it? I mean, obviously you can prevent them from spending two days in the rain and getting hypothermia but you can't control their thoughts. As I mentioned, I LOVED Robert Smith. I LOVED The Cure. Still do actually. Many times I sat in my room weeping over songs that I thought were so beautiful, so perfect. I had dozens of their posters plastered all over my wall. My obsession influenced my clothing, my jewelry, my hair color (not style ha ha!), my choice of alcohol. Did it hurt me? Well, I didn't go out on many dates but in the long term, no. I still love the band. I'm still a rather obsessive person (gasp! you're kidding!) but in a much more low key way. (yes, really.)

I don't think it's a bad thing to feel deeply about things. I do think that it's worth talking about. No one ever talked to me about why I felt so strongly about The Cure, or anything else I was crazy over. They just shook their heads, teased me or ignored it. I plan to do things differently. I'd like to know what my kids are passionate about and why. I'd like to have conversations with them about it. Perhaps sway them on things that I may not particularly be too happy about them loving. But I'll never be able to do that if I don't listen and really want to hear what they have to say.

So when the day comes that my girls are asking to do something outrageous because of their undying devotion to whatever I will seriously consider and weigh the pros and cons before laughing in their faces and saying "Absolutely not!"

Revealing Her Competitive Nature

Lately I've been trying to encourage Miss A to speed up. She has a tendency to dawdle. For real. I've been getting really tired of listening to myself saying "Come on, let's hurry up." "We've got to hurry, we'll be late." Or when I'm really exhausted and fed up giving the dreaded label "You are SO SLOW! Hurry up!!!" and then I feel guilty.

Recently I've tried to motivate her to be faster by making a game out of it. So I try the "See if you can beat Us" game. We have done this when getting into the car and it seems to work rather well. The other day I tried it when we were getting dressed. I challenged her to see if she could get her clothes on faster than I could dress Baby B. It took her a little while to get on board with this but once she did she was delighted with the idea of being 'the fastest'. Until she noticed that we had quite a head start. It was at this point that she fell to the floor in a heap and began to sulk.

I wondered how her excitement had turned to despair. And then I realized she quit because she thought she stood no chance of winning. Therefore she didn't even want to try.

I have to admit that was a big revelation to me about her character. I know that she is a perfectionist even now, at age three. But I wasn't really aware of just how competitive she was until then. And how uninterested she is in being anything other than #1.

I think I have some work cut out for me. Who am I kidding? I know I do.

Further Exploration

I wanted to include in this post how I took a course which was based on the book 'Raising Your Spirited Child'. But really it's a stand alone post.

Honestly, I could have likely gone without taking the course. I wasn't overly impressed with how it was presented but I was very grateful to find out about the book. I had several 'Ah Ha!' moments while reading it. (though I haven't read it cover to cover as yet) It sort of put into words what I have always known about Miss A. And it's the kind of book I'd like to give to those people I've come across who don't seem to believe me when I tell them about how she is. The people who seem to think that I should just be able to make her behave a certain way, that is if I was really a good parent. Which obviously, I'm not. Of course those people would never actually read the book, but maybe it would make me feel better just knowing that they might one day flip through it out of boredom and become enlightened.

Without going into it too much it basically describes the kind of kid Miss A is and then talks about the negative labels we tend to give them or their behavior. Guilty. So guilty. For example... she is so crazy! (or insane or nuts or wild, etc.) It reminds us parents to try to think of better words and not to use those potentially hurtful labels. Point taken. I am trying. But I constantly find these words slipping out. It also points out how their temperaments can help them to become very successful later in life. This is something I knew, something I have always said. I know she is going to have amazing qualities as she gets older but parenting a child with these personality traits now is... painfully difficult at times. Not to mention exhausting.

Reading this book felt like having a conversation with a friend. A friend who knows exactly what it's like to parent Miss A and who knows exactly what to say when I am feeling discouraged. It was one of those weird experiences when I actually felt like saying aloud, to the book, "Yes! Exactly! That's exactly how I feel. How did you know?" Really odd, but also really comforting.

I would recommend this book to any parent actually. Even those who might not consider their child to be 'spirited'. Some of it might sound hokey but the overall message is really great. Accept your kids for who they are. Don't wish that they were any easier, quieter, calmer or whatever. Help them to develop their unique and amazing personalities so that they can grow to be amazing adults one day. It sounds so simple but it's something I find I constantly forget and I find myself daydreaming that she could be just a little more like this or that instead and then wouldn't life be so much easier...

I Want to Believe

The responses I received on my previous post were very positive. I also couldn't help but feel that everyone was relieved that I'd finally written about something deep for a change rather than just TWILIGHT WEEEEEE! (Although having said that you should click the link because it might be my favorite teaser yet.) I think my only excuse for lack of substance could be sleep deprivation, oh wait, and the fact that I now share the computer with Miss A - aka "I wanna play my Dora game!!!" girl. But if you want deep, I can be deep. Check it.

So we've had our first skiff of snow. Right now we should actually be at Peter's mom's for a visit but due to poor weather she's actually stranded at Peter's brother's house and not at home and even if she wasn't the weather might have prevented us from going anyway.

From the first minute that I was out in the awful sleety stuff I felt a wave of sadness come over me. I was a bit confused because although the winters in my part of Canada are excruciatingly long, I am sort of used to them by now. It may have something to do with the fact that winter means December is on it's way and December is when I head back to work. It could also be the fact that Miss A not only loves but requires time outside each day to burn off excess energy. We still take her out but the frigid temperatures provide extra challenges to that task. Not to mention taking a small baby out in 35 below weather is not ideal. It won't be as nice as our summer walks to the playground that's for sure.

But it wasn't until today when I was walking like a 90 year old to the car with the kids that it hit me. I'm afraid. Afraid of falling. Afraid of breaking something again. I feel fragile.

I was thinking it is similar to the feeling of emotional fragility. When you've taken so much verbal abuse from people that you just can't even handle the thought of hearing another negative comment. I've experienced this as well.

But my ankle fracture wasn't the first time I felt my body had let me down. The first notable time was when I was twenty one and tore my ACL. It was a long and seemingly endless adventure of scoping then recovering, scoping, reconstructing then recovering, and then one year later tearing more cartilage and having to get it scoped again. I remember going back to Taekwon Do after my reconstruction and feeling so inhibited, so nervous that I would injure myself again. I hated holding back. Not being able to commit to my movements. It made me want to quit, to walk away and never look back. If I couldn't do it all the way I didn't want to do it at all. But I stayed. I stuck it out. And eventually I learned to trust my body again. To believe in it's ability to heal.

It seems this is a lesson I have continually been taught. Since that experience I put my back out seriously, had two pregnancies during which I was horrifically ill and the last of which I, of course, dislocated and fractured my ankle. Afterwards I lay on the ice, silent, unmoving. Everyone remarked at my bravery, my incredible pain tolerance. But on the inside I was breaking apart. Not again. I can't do this again. This can't be happening. I. can't. do. it.

But somehow I did. I survived two months of hobbling around on crutches while simultaneously being incredibly ill. I sometimes think it was a good thing I didn't have to work during that period as I'm not sure how I would have done it. I hate to even imagine trying to make it to the bathroom at work before losing my lunch all over the laminate flooring.

Not only did I survive, I triumphed. In less than one year after the accident I am walking normally. (something I seriously doubted I'd ever do again when I was freshly off my crutches) I am teaching fitness classes. I am training for an indoor triathlon. And yet, I'm finding as the anniversary of the incident creeps up on me as does the winter season, that familiar unsettling feeling is creeping up on me as well. The fear. The mistrust of my body. The feeling of being breakable.

I don't want to feel like a 90 year old who is afraid to leave her home for fear of breaking a hip. Not at 32 years of age. But it seems it is an inevitable stage I need to go through after enduring an injury. I need time to adjust to the weather and its sometimes treacherous conditions. I need time to gain faith in my body once more.

Exploration

So Beth had a great idea. She gives a theme and we can all write about it in whatever way it strikes us. This time around the theme is exploration. As I thought about that word what came to my mind was parenting.

I looked up the word explore. This is the definition Merriam-Webster gives

Explore :to investigate, study, or analyze :look into :to become familiar with by testing or experimenting

This pretty much explains my approach to parenting.

Having Miss A rocked my life. Now, I know that could be heard coming out of the mouth of any new mother. But I seemed to be utterly lost. I remember flipping through the book 'What to Expect - The First Year'. I thought, wow. None of this really applies to us. I mean the milestones sure, but as for any suggestions on what to do when your baby cries and cries and cries, for example - the best it had to offer was "If you need a break, take one." I thought my baby wasn't 'normal' and I didn't know what to do.

Then one night, I was up late again trying to calm my crying baby. I was exhausted, at my wits end. I typed into Google "baby won't stop crying" just to see what would come up. And guess what I found? A blog. The author was a mom of a girl roughly the same age as Miss A. I loved her writing because it was raw and brutally honest. She didn't candy coat motherhood, she admitted it was hard. Damn hard. Turns out she had a baby who wouldn't stop crying either. And she laid it all out there. The good, the bad and the ugly. (That particular blog no longer exists but you can find her writing here and here.)

I guess you could say that night changed my life, as dramatic as that sounds. Because if I hadn't been looking for answers, exploring, I would have never stumbled upon that blog and blogging in general. And in that case I likely wouldn't have started my own blog. Blogging has become a huge part of my life. A huge part of who I am today.

If you go back and read my earliest posts you can tell I'm searching. Trying to find the reasons why I was having such a hard time adjusting to being a mother. The whole reason I decided to start my own blog in the first place was because I was hoping to find other moms who might be having similar experiences. And I was hoping to find some answers.

Did I find the answers? Sometimes. More importantly I found some amazing mothers who I had lots in common with. People I could bounce things off of or just vent to. I found out I was not alone. But parenting is an adventure and I find most of the time as a parent I just go by instinct. You can't always find the answers in a book or on the internet. But I keep exploring. Looking for better ways or sometimes just a shoulder to cry on.

Most Definitely Second Best

*I think my title is inspired by my new favorite show which also happens to have the best titles ever.

Christmas is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year but Halloween is putting up some tough competition. I know some people would have a real problem with that but frankly, I don't care because we had the most glorious Halloween ever this year. I mean, can a Christmas tree compete with this?





And then there was this costume. Which I managed to find second hand and fit her to perfection. When I asked her what she wanted to dress up as several weeks back the first thing she'd said was a pumpkin. Then she had said a spider. So I bought a giant spider that I was going to use in the event that she didn't wear the pumpkin costume. The spider ended up being decoration. See right hand corner of photo.



She was so cheerful and agreeable about everything. I could say "Put your hands up in the air and smile!" and my wish was her command.



She has recently discovered the amazing joy of ringing doorbells. And then with the trick or treating - so many doorbells I can ring!



We only walked a block but I think she could have gone for hours. She was so well behaved, holding my hand and walking up to the doors while I took pictures. There was some pretty amazing decorating out there. She enjoyed it all immensely and only looked curiously at the fog machine at one house and laughed hysterically at the rather scary 'evil laughter' noise detector at another.



Even after we arrived home she was very proud of her haul and also very agreeable about my candy rationing. I admit I was rather nervous about her waking in the night having dreams about scary masks and so on but I worried for nothing. Who knew? This is a kid who tells me about her 'bad dreams' every. single. morning. So far so good.

I have always been a lover of Halloween but I think I have finally discovered the magic of how your children can make holidays even more enjoyable than you have ever experienced before.

Happy Halloween!

Stretched

Lately, I've really been experiencing that feeling that I'm certain is familiar to moms everywhere. You know the one. The one where you are literally being pulled in every direction. You know those medieval stretching machines? Where they attach all your limbs to different pulleys and then basically wind it until you come apart? Yeah, that's how I'm feeling. Except it's my mind that's pulling in every direction. There are always too many things to do and not enough time to do them.

My mind is always spinning and trying to think of how I can try to fit it all in. Or wondering which is the most important. My internal dialogue usually sounds something like this. "I really want to go to the gym, I'll feel so much better if I do and then I can get everything else done. But it takes up so much time and then I won't have time to go through that HUGE PILE OF CLOTHES in my bedroom and decide what stays and what I'm giving away. And I should do laundry, if we go out I won't get it all finished. If we stay home I can just spend quality time with the kids. But then Miss A starts bugging me 'where we are going? what are we doing? LET'S GET OUT OF HERE it's boring!' and then when we're home I'm compelled to putter around and get SOMETHING, ANYTHING done. And what are we having for supper? There are no left overs. Be creative! Man, I suck at cooking. I'm going to do the dishes while I think about this. Why is it that I can only ever accomplish the bare minimum but never get to the larger tasks? Sigh."

It's ridiculous. I know that. I know I need to give myself a break blah, blah, blah. But I just can't stop my brain from spinning. I happen to know how good it feels to have everything (or almost everything) that you want accomplish in a day completed. (On the very rare occasions when that happens) And it's an additively good feeling.

For a while now, going to the gym has been winning out over all else. Miss A is happy because she gets to play with kids and possibly GO TO THE PLAY STRUCTURE! and run off steam.(which also has perks for me!) Baby B sleeps. I am currently training for an indoor triathlon. (Not as impressive as it sounds. It is simply a 15 minute swim, 15 minute cycle and 15 minute run. Whomever goes the farthest in that time 'wins'.) It's the only kind of triathlon I could complete. The hardest part for me is the running. I HATE to run. I've tried everything to make myself like it but nothing has worked thus far. Any tips AM, Bon? I can however, FORCE myself to run for 15 minutes. I did it yesterday. Pathetically slow, but I ran the entire 15 minutes. My ankle didn't hurt too much either. I just felt it a little. Every. time. it struck the treadmill.

I always tell myself I just need one good day to get everything done. I just need a little help. Someone to distract Miss A. Someone to cuddle the baby. And then I'd feel caught up. But I suppose the sad reality is even if I do catch up, I'll only get behind again. But the peace of mind I'd have for that brief period would be worth it.

What is it about Saturdays?

So after tomorrow I will only have one month of Saturdays to spend with my family. After that I'll be working every Saturday, except for holidays and Christmas time, until Baby B is in Kindergarten. Ugh.

I shouldn't complain. I should be happy that I have the ability to work when my husband can be home with the kids thereby avoiding having them in child care for another year. (Except Miss A still goes one day to hold her spot.) I should be happy that although I'm going back to work so soon I actually have a longer period of time when I won't be working full time so that I can be with them more in the long term.

I'm feeling conflicted about going back to work. Of course. How could I not? I did last time and last time I REALLY NEEDED TO GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE. This time is totally different. Things are so laid back this time around. Peter and I are coping well and getting along. The kids are happy. We are in a nice little routine. I feel, most of the time, that I'm keeping up. Add work into the mix and things may fly out of balance.

And what is it about Saturdays? There is something about working on that particular day that makes me feel resentful. Like I'm missing out on something that everyone else gets to have. I have always hated working on Saturdays even before I had kids, even before I was married. The Saturdays I when I would get to stay home for some reason were sacred. The television was different, therefore better. If I went shopping it just seemed like more fun. It always felt like a holiday.

I think that's it. When I work Saturdays I always feel robbed. My weekend begins when I am finished work so that only leaves me with a few hours on Saturday and Sunday. Sure I don't have to work again until Wednesday but Peter goes back on Monday so that means it's back to the old grind. I miss that family time. That tag team parent time.

So I'm deciding to celebrate every remaining Saturday I have left before going back to work. Tomorrow I'm making pancakes and bacon for breakfast. Special. After that I'm at a loss. Maybe we can chill out? If it's nice, go for a walk? Watch a movie? All I know is I'm going to concentrate on fully appreciate it. Inevitable screaming and whining included.

Misconceptions

So, my cycling class on Saturday went well. I only had two students, one of whom was a friend of mine I'd invited to try to ensure someone was there. The girl I didn't know arrived first. I introduced myself and we started chatting a bit. I asked her if she normally attended classes to which she told me she did. I confessed that it was my first class and told her what I had planned for the hour. She nodded politely.

This next paragraph is going to sound either insane or conceited but bear with me. I am a perceptive person. I notice things that a lot of other people tend not to notice. I sometimes question whether I really have the right idea about someone or something but then I've often found out I was correct after all. So when I say that I could almost hear this girls thoughts, you need to try and give me the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming that I was just being paranoid.

She was thinking "This girl seems nice but she doesn't look like she's as fit as I am. This is going to be a weak class. Oh well."

This made me a tad nervous but I had practiced my class twice during the week to make sure that it would go smoothly and also to be sure it was adequately difficult. I was also a bit nervous (although very happy) that my friend was able to make it because she's been training really hard and ran a couple of half marathons this summer. She was excited to come to the class but I was hoping she wouldn't find it too easy and boring. And I had no idea what the fitness level of any other participants would be. I took a few deep breaths and started the class.

About 20 minutes into the class I wasn't worrying anymore. We were all sweating and working hard. It wasn't easy for anyone. But it was fun. (At least I thought so.) The girl I didn't know kept checking me out periodically during the entire class and I could almost see the surprise on her face. She couldn't believe that I was not only keeping up with her but that I was actually going a bit harder. At the end of the class she said in a round about way that it had been the most difficult class she'd been to (score!) and my friend said she'd had to take it easy a few times because she knew if she didn't she might barf. (sorry)

Now, I am a competitive person but I wasn't trying to be competitive that morning. I was just trying to lead a workout which would be challenging for my participants. I was glad to have achieved my goal. I knew that no one was pushing themselves beyond their limits and that everyone was safe. I will save my competitive nature for when I am the student, not the teacher. It was rewarding though, to know that I'd planned a difficult and enjoyable class and also to know that I'd surprised someone with my fitness level.

I am cool with being that instructor who isn't a stick but damn, can she give you a good workout!

Exploration

So Beth had a great idea. She gives a theme and we can all write about it in whatever way it strikes us. This time around the theme is exploration. As I thought about that word what came to my mind was parenting.

I looked up the word explore. This is the definition Merriam-Webster gives

Explore :to investigate, study, or analyze :look into :to become familiar with by testing or experimenting

This pretty much explains my approach to parenting.

Having Miss A rocked my life. Now, I know that could be heard coming out of the mouth of any new mother. But I seemed to be utterly lost. I remember flipping through the book 'What to Expect - The First Year'. I thought, wow. None of this really applies to us. I mean the milestones sure, but as for any suggestions on what to do when your baby cries and cries and cries, for example - the best it had to offer was "If you need a break, take one." I thought my baby wasn't 'normal' and I didn't know what to do.

Then one night, I was up late again trying to calm my crying baby. I was exhausted, at my wits end. I typed into Google "baby won't stop crying" just to see what would come up. And guess what I found? A blog. The author was a mom of a girl roughly the same age as Miss A. I loved her writing because it was raw and brutally honest. She didn't candy coat motherhood, she admitted it was hard. Damn hard. Turns out she had a baby who wouldn't stop crying either. And she laid it all out there. The good, the bad and the ugly. (That particular blog no longer exists but you can find her writing here and here.)

I guess you could say that night changed my life, as dramatic as that sounds. Because if I hadn't been looking for answers, exploring, I would have never stumbled upon that blog and blogging in general. And in that case I likely wouldn't have started my own blog. Blogging has become a huge part of my life. A huge part of who I am today.

If you go back and read my earliest posts you can tell I'm searching. Trying to find the reasons why I was having such a hard time adjusting to being a mother. The whole reason I decided to start my own blog in the first place was because I was hoping to find other moms who might be having similar experiences. And I was hoping to find some answers.

Did I find the answers? Sometimes. More importantly I found some amazing mothers who I had lots in common with. People I could bounce things off of or just vent to. I found out I was not alone. But parenting is an adventure and I find most of the time as a parent I just go by instinct. You can't always find the answers in a book or on the internet. But I keep exploring. Looking for better ways or sometimes just a shoulder to cry on.

Date Night

Last night Peter and I went out for our anniversary. (ahem, September 14th! My sister offered to babysit for us but logistically couldn't do it until last night) We went out for supper and then to a movie. We had a really nice time and some great conversation. You know that supposed rule that you can't talk about your kids while on a date? Well, we totally broke it yet we still had a great time!

We were torn about what movie to go to. 'The Dark Knight' wasn't playing anymore and that was what we had wanted to go to on our actual anniversary. It seemed that our choices were limited and there wasn't anything we were dying to see. I made the executive decision to go to "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist". Peter had barely heard of it and asked me to justify why we should choose it over all the other's. I believe I said "because it has that guy from "Juno" in it." to which I think he replied "So?" Anyway, I won and that's what we went to. And thoroughly enjoyed.

You know those movies that aren't too deep or stressful to watch and nothing really happens but they have really great characters and dialogue and they make you laugh. This was one of those. I think Michael Cera is so cute and although he likely isn't so witty and awkward in real life I enjoy watching him act that way. And Kat Dennings. I was mesmerized by her the whole time. Mostly her lips. They were so perfect. And I would kill to know what lipcolor she was wearing but I'll likely never find it out. It was the perfect blue-red color. The color I should have worn in high school instead of that awful orange-red, but I didn't know better and I was trying to make a statement. And her hair was lovely, dark and wavy with just the right amount of 'I don't care'. If I didn't know better I would question my sexuality, but I do know better and I know that I'm just appreciating her and also wishing that I looked more like her than I do. Her character, aside from being a babe, was also rad. She was smart, kind and had good taste in music.

Why am I telling you this? I guess because it seems like the kind of movie a lot of people around my age might blow off. Peter confessed to worrying that it was going to be another '200 Cigarettes' which was a god awful movie (despite a wicked cast) if you didn't see it. It was not. It was honest, charming, sweet and funny. It was a perfect date movie. (for us) Peter said the sweetest thing to me afterwards when we walked out. *SPOILER ALERT - but come on, you can guess by looking at the poster. He said "You know what happens if they stay together?" "A sequel?" I reply. "Yeah, but we are the sequel."

So Nick and Norah grow up, get married and have two beautiful and wickedly cool daughters. Awesome.

I had to write about this because I was thinking about several of you after the movie, and I was sure you'd have a similar experience. I'm sharing the love people. Enjoy.

A Cautionary Tale about Stickers

Do your kids stick stickers on their skin? Miss A does. Although, not anymore if I can help it. The other day we had another appointment, an optometrist appointment for A. Here she is pointing at the nose of a finger puppet.



So because she was so well behaved she was given her pick of treats. (Again, just as at the dentist I'm sure the not so well behaved get treats as well) She chose a ring, a plane, a coloring book and a tinkerbell sticker. She was asked what she would do with the sticker, to which she replied "Stick it on my arm." And that is what she did. I didn't think anything of it because it's something she does all the time. But apparently this particular sticker had crazy glue for it's adhesive. When it was bedtime and we were going through our routine of removing elastics from hair and anything that may remain on the skin, (including paint, glue or stickers) we attempted to remove the tinkerbell sticker. It seemed cemented in place and simply pulling a tiny bit of the corner up inducing much screaming. So we left it be.

But last evening I noticed it was red around the edges and it seemed to be irritating her skin. I decided one way or the other, it had to go. So I explained to her that it needed to come off and we commenced soaking and soaping it. As seen here.








Can you tell by her expression how exhausting it was? There was still much screaming as it seemed like torture to remove it. Eventually I let her do it by herself while I supervised since if I tried to help the screaming only got louder. So she peeled tiny bit of sticker, by tiny bit off as she kept adding more and more soap to aid in the task. When all of the sticker seemed to be gone we rejoiced but unfortunately we celebrated too soon. Upon closer inspection I could see that although the paper was gone the GLUE remained. As seen here. When I tried to rub it off she screamed in pain.



Then I had a brainwave. Baby Oil. I probably should have used it from the start but I honestly had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. So once it was finally gone a slight redness remained but we were both relieved. I'm sure it was bothering her but she was afraid to take it off because she knew it was going to hurt.



Seriously, has anyone else every experienced this? I am seriously planning on calling the optometrist office to warn them that kids should not be putting those stickers on their skin. Does that sound crazy? Miss A is actually quite tough, if something hurts her that much I know it must be bad.

Anyway, I don't think she'll be wanting to put any stickers on her skin anytime soon and when the memory fades I will remind her why it's a terribly bad idea.

Um... I don't have a Title

I've been writing a lot of posts in my head lately. But haven't written any down. And now I don't remember what they were. That explains a lot about the state of my brain these days. I have missed several appointments, shown up for appointments on the wrong day, overbooked myself... It's pathetic.

We are sickies around here these days. Everyone sneezing, blowing their noses, coughing. (See M we didn't even need to visit you to catch colds!) Can I just complain again how not fun it is looking after children when you are unwell. And how impossible it is to get the rest needed to recover with a three month old?

Oh yeah! Baby B is three months old today! Wow! Here is some baby cuteness for you all.





It is very inconvenient for me to be sick right now since I'm teaching MY FIRST EVER FITNESS CLASS! on Saturday morning at 9:00. It's a cycle fit class (also known as spin). For my workout yesterday I went through the class I've planned. I was dripping sweat so I think it is adequately challenging. Or else I'm in terrible shape. I guess we'll find out on Saturday during class. I felt like too much of a knob to actually talk out loud to my imaginary students so I just thought to myself what I'd be saying to the class, "Only 10 more seconds!" "Good work!" and that sort of thing. I'm going to go to the gym again tomorrow and practice once more and tonight I want to finish compiling a CD for the class with good tunes. This is one of my new favorite workout songs.

Also, regarding kids shows, I am IN LOVE with this one. Has anyone else seen it? I am a sucker for british accents every. time. I also love the animation. And the music. And the writing is great. I think it's great when I am as entertained by something (or more) as Miss A is. And not in that written over the child's head way either. In a purely innocent funny way. In the way that kids make you laugh kind of way. Did I mention I love this show?



And then there is this one. I am convinced that some television producer was drunk in a club one night and offered this girl a job. And then she negotiated to have her boyfriend play the train engineer. Seriously! What the heck?!

Dentist Appointment in Which She Used Up Her Good Behaviour For the Whole Day

So Miss A had her first ever dentist appointment the other day. You know those times that you sometimes have with your kids when they are so well behaved, so sweet, so perfect even, that your heart swells and you feel like you might just be doing a good job of this parenting thing after all? I had one of those times when we went to the dentist. She was so amazing that I'm fairly confident that the dental assistant we had would be talking about her to all her coworkers. "What a sweet heart!" "What a well behaved little girl!" etc.

Here is some photographic evidence.

This is when she is learning about how the chair goes up and down.



Here she is practicing opening wide for the dentist.



Getting her teeth checked and counted.



Showing off her treat for being so well behaved. (I'm sure every kid gets one regardless.)



And then we left. And everything fell apart. She would not listen to a single thing I said for the remainder of the day. It was actually ridiculous. She is usually challenging but this was so much worse. Like I had to chase her around to get her shoes on when we had to leave a place. She flopped on the ground like a limp doll when I tried to help her with her jacket. That sort of thing. The only thing I can think is that she used up all the good behavior she was capable of for the day during her dentist appointment.

I guess I should be grateful that there wasn't any bad behavior inflicted on anyone else. It just kind of amuses me that we must have left the staff at the office with such a good impression. If only they'd spent the rest of the day with us.

More Photos from The 3 Year Old

I am highly amused and often impressed by the photos Miss A has been taking with her camera. Maybe it's because as parents we are always desperately looking for some clue about what they might grow up to be. I always find myself wishing for artistic jobs. Dancer! Singer! Photographer!

Here are some of her recent photos.

I like the composition in these ones.







This one is a reusable grocery bag. I always find it interesting to see what she deems worthy of taking a picture of.



I love this one. The way Baby B's eyes stand out is neat.





She took her camera to preschool for show and tell and this was one of her photos.



And this is only two of the many, many, many pictures she took of the television. Peter asked me if we should be concerned about the number of photos of the TV because, perhaps that might indicate the importance of it to her. Being in denial I said "No, of course not."

Two of her current favorite shows.

George Shrinks



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