You Can't Always Get What You Want

As I age and also since becoming a mother I feel I am more in touch with my needs. My genuine needs. Not like, I really need those shoes or I really have to go to that concert or I'll die. Giving it more thought I think it has more to do with becoming a mother and less to do with aging. In a way I think I need more because I sacrifice more. Before having Audrey things like, free time or a shower were not on the list of things I needed. They were things I didn't even think about. I just had free time. If I needed a shower, I'd take one. That's how things were back in the good old days.

The other night when Little A was refusing to go to bed even though it was over an hour later than her bedtime, I couldn't take it anymore. It was hot, I was tired and I needed some space. I handed the grumpy one to her Dad and informed him I was getting in the shower. I do not believe I have ever enjoyed a shower more. I had the water at a coolish temperature which felt heavenly and brought my body temp back down to normal. I washed my hair with tea tree shampoo which cooled me off even further and made my head all tingly. The sound of the water coming down totally drowned out the sounds of A's complaining and I even began to fantasize about her just giving up the fight, falling asleep on her dad's shoulder and him gently placing her in her bed and tucking her in. As soon as I shut the water off however, I heard her whining. But it didn't matter. I had taken the time I needed for myself. Though only 10 minutes, I was refreshed and in better spirits. I successfully put Audrey to bed shortly thereafter. I believe that because I had taken my 'time out' I was more relaxed which then relaxed Baby A and helped her to finally go to sleep. I considered how easy it had been to just decide I needed to do that and do it. I realize I need to do that more often.

Another need that I have is the need for exercise. I have complained about this a lot to many people lately. I appreciate all the tips i've been given, such as take Audrey for a walk (I do), or use work out videos (I have them but I can only do them when she's sleeping and it's too loud). Since my mom is no longer able to babysit while I go to the gym I have been frustrated. I need to work out in a group atmosphere. I enjoy the people and I push myself harder. After weeks now of not getting there I mentioned to Peter that I was going to cancel my gym membership. He told me that I shouldn't do it because he knows how much I enjoy going to classes. I had always gone to the 9:30am classes when my mom came over to babysit. I have considered packing up A and heading down there since they have childcare for $2 an hour. It has so far been too daunting. I am planning to walk down to the gym and get a program. Once I know when the later classes are I could plan to go to those. I would be able to make it for noon hour classes, that isn't as daunting. The most exciting new development in this area is that I will be going back to TaeKwon Do in June!! I will get the casual membership and go once a week either Monday or Tuesday, which ever night works out the best. It's only for one hour and it's going to be great. I never expected to be able to get back this soon. Once a week is really not enough time to be training but it's all I can do the way my life is right now and I'll take what I can get. I am blessed to have a husband that recognizes my need to do this and is making it possible for me.

I know that I am very guilty of playing the martyr. Usually putting everyone else's needs before my own. Is there any way of being a mother and not doing that? I find myself getting more and more disgusted with things and then becoming a very miserable person. This is not pleasant for me, Peter or Audrey. I am learning that it's okay for me to need things. More importantly it's okay for me to find a way to get what I need. In fact, it's necessary for my sanity and for everyone else's sake. After all when all you need is a shower or an hour spent kicking the crap out of a foam shield, is that really too much to ask?