Mothers and Daughters

The 'Mama D Experiment' update is up.

Often on this blog I have vented about my mom. How she has caused me to feel paranoid about my ability as a mother. She has commented on the way I dress her, change her, play with her and especially feed her. In her eyes I should be feeding her round the clock. Although she has also questioned my milk supply so I guess that meant that she wanted me to feed her next to nothing, round the clock. This should come as no surprise to me since one of her favorite things in life is cooking delicious meals for her family and watching us stuff our faces until we all fall into overeating induced comas.

I remind myself often that she loves me and she loves my daughter. When she criticizes it is because she cares. I also must remind myself that she has been a mother much longer than I have and has raised five children. She is qualified to give me advice. It's just difficult to take when I haven't asked for it.

I was the fifth and last child in our family. My next oldest sibling was ten years older and wasn't really around much by the time I was about six. My three older sisters had long since moved away from home. I essentially grew up like an only child. My parents marriage had been unhealthy for many years. By the time I came along things had become much, much worse. My mother put most of her time and energy into trying to repair her failing marriage. Unfortunately, it wasn't working and she turned to alcohol to help her cope. Looking after me was a distraction from trying to fix her marriage and trying to cope from the fact that her marriage was falling apart. I became very independent at a very young age. There were many things that happened during that time that are still painful and have shaped who I am today.

When I was thirteen my father asked my mother to leave. Of course I left with her. You would think I would have been sad about it but I wasn't. I was so happy to leave all of that pain and unhappiness behind and start a new life. We moved to the city that we still currently live in. My brother and two sisters were living here also. It was at this point that my mother and I repaired our relationship. After the move she was depressed, but after many talks with my sisters and me she began to come around. Possibly the most important conversation was one that we had which I think shocked her out of feeling sorry for herself. It involved something that had happened to me as a child on a night when both my father and herself were completely passed out. I felt terrible to bring it up after so many years but also relieved to have finally told her about it. I think it was at this time she realized how awful things had been for me.

She never drank anymore once we moved here. I felt that she was there for me in a way she never had been before. We then became very close, since it was only the two of us. I lived at home with her until I was twenty-two.

I love my mother dearly. I forgive her for all of the things that happened when I was young. I understand why she was the way she was. I vow to never do those things myself as a mother but I can see where she was coming from.

One of my siblings once said that it is hard for her to listen to advice on child rearing from our mother. After all, she was hardly perfect. I agree. But she has a new perspective now. She may not have done things perfectly when we were young but if anything that makes her more qualified to recognize how to do things better now. I appreciate what she has to say even when it makes me feel bad. My job is to let her know how what she has said makes me feel. I am getting better at this.

The reason I am writing about this is because while we were away for the weekend my mother's knee gave out. She was in extreme pain and didn't tell anyone until the next day. She is doing better now and is still awaiting her knee replacement surgery. When I spoke to her on the phone on Sunday and she told me what happened I felt terrible. I really thought about the fact that she is getting older and she will not be around forever. When I think about her not being here I can't breathe. I can't imagine not being able to call her and ask her a cooking question. I don't know what we would do with all those days when we have lunch with her and spend the afternoon watching game shows. I don't know what I would do without her reminding me not to forget to put my daughter's hat on.

This mother daughter thing is complicated. And now that I have a daughter of my own it's become a lot more complicated. Sometimes it all just makes my head hurt. I just try to enjoy every day I have with both of them. Good or bad.