What Break?

Yesterday was the kind of day that made me wonder if I should really be back at work. I knew it was going to be hectic, but things got out of hand and it became ridiculous. My work day was only five hours long. I begin at four, typically have a break around six or six thirty to eat a sandwich, a yogurt and pump, then I finish of the day. Yesterday was the first day since returning that I worked straight through. I didn't eat, didn't even have a glass of water and more importantly I didn't pump. It was bad.

The day was just out of control, once it started there was just no stopping it. I kept saying to myself after I am finished this client I am going to take my break. Then about ten minutes before I'd be finished I would be told my next client had already arrived. Then I'd do it again. I'll take a break after the next one. Next thing I knew my last client of the evening arrived. I decided to just finish up and go home.

I kept imagining my boobs saying to themselves “Oh, okay we don't have to feed Audrey anymore. Great, I guess we'll just take a holiday!” I hope they could hear me shouting at them inside my head saying “No! You can't go on holiday, get back to work! This is not going to be a regular thing, in fact I expect you to produce even more milk than usual. So lets get at it girls!” I felt absolutely terrible. Not pumping felt like I was depriving her of a meal. If I was at home with her I wouldn't just skip a feeding. I might put it off a little, you know “Hang on Audrey, I just have to take supper out of the oven.”. That sort of thing. And when I don't eat that's not fair to her either because that also affects the milk that I am producing for her.

In addition, there was the stress of having that much less milk to add to the surplus I collect for today and Saturday while I am at work. I tried pumping after she went to bed and barely had an ounce. I sadly put the tiny amount in the fridge and vowed to get up nice and early this morning so that I could pump a little extra. Which I did. The amount stored doesn't seem too shabby. No milk runs should be required while I am working on Saturday. I hope.

This used to be a normal thing for me before I had a baby. Working for six hours or more without a break. I didn't like it, but the only one I was hurting was me. I can't do that anymore, and I don't want to. In a book I read called “Nursing Mother,Working Mother” it details how you can pump at work. It seems to be assuming that all women work in an environment where they have coffee breaks and lunches at regular times and have their own private offices in which to pump comfortably. I do not have this. To begin with I pumped in a cold, damp basement where anyone could just come down at anytime and witness the horror of my great big boob with a plastic contraption attached. This has now been upgraded to a semi-private, less cold, area upstairs. (This occured after telling my boss how awkward I'd been feeling and he reluctantly agree to let me pump elsewhere) Pumping in this new environment seems to have only slightly increased the milk I am able to express. Shhh, don't tell anyone or they might make me go back to the basement. I am more comfortable though. Now I just have to get there.

It all makes me wonder if it's worth it to be working so soon. I happen to know that some people think I should just stop breastfeeding. This is not an option I will even consider at this point. It is less than a month before Audrey is six months old (WOW!) and I expect that once she begins some solids her demand for milk will lessen a bit. We will see how this changes things. Until then I will just have to make sure that I can take a break to feed myself and express the milk I need for my baby. I will not do what I did yesterday again. I have enough guilt without adding any more!