Wednesday, June 06, 2007

The Night I Was Voluntarily Molested By A Dog

I volunteered for the Lung Association to canvas my block. Before you say “Aw! That's awesome!” let me just confess that they called me up to ask me to do it and before I even remember saying yes the lady was thanking me for volunteering. I procrastinated until it was nearly too late. Peter made a joke that if I didn't collect any money for them they'd harvest one of my lungs. So finally we set out going door to door. I thought Peter and the baby might be a cute factor that would soften hearts and cause people to be more generous. Wrong. She refused to stay in her stroller and wanted to come door to door with me and when I wouldn't let her walk right into their houses to make herself at home she would have a screaming meltdown. I think the first few donations were not the result of softened hearts but of them wanting me to please take a hike and not to forget to take my noisy brat with me when I did. Once this happened a couple of times Peter and A just carried on to the park while I stayed behind to finish the job.

I was off to a fantastic start with a fifty dollar donation from a lovely retired teacher who lives just across the street from us. Next I went to the house of a neighbor that I've hardly seen and don't know at all. He answered the door holding his cute but energetic and 'friendly' dog by his collar. As I explained why I was at his door his dog, whose collar my neighbor had released, proceeded to forcefully thrust his snout into my crotch (I'm sorry I know it's an awful word) as I unsuccessfully tried to protect myself. He then went around behind me and did the same to my rear end. My neighbor mildly scolded his dog, telling him to 'stop'. To give him the benefit of the doubt, I think the dog may have been deaf.

In the end he gave me a five dollar donation which he thankfully didn't want a receipt for because that would have required the use of both hands there by leaving me defenseless against his dog's repetitious 'advances'. I left my neighbors home feeling dirty and used and wondering why the heck someone would allow their pet to do that to anyone, even their worst enemy or someone coming to their door asking for money. My only consolation was knowing that the retelling of the story may give all of my lovely readers a chuckle out there in blogland...

5 comments:

bon said...

Chuckle? No.

Snickering? Oh yeah, baby!

Had similar experience as a sister missionary for the LDS church.... only while wearing a skirt. Less crotch access you might think, but you'd be wrong PLUS you have to walk around with a wet-dog-nose-plus-slobber spot on your skirt. Front and back.

So you have my sympathy. Whilst I snicker.

Lynanne said...

I couldn't stop giggling about this! I was going to say you should borrow the dog to use against the LDS missionaries but that's obviously not funny, is it Bon? :-P Maybe just against Jehovah's witness? (yes, I'm kidding!) Though I would have liked the dog to use on the person selling magazines to send to the "guys in Iraq" (it's a scam - they pocket most of the money).

Sorry it wasn't as good for you as it was for the dog! ;)

elizasmom said...

Count me among the snickering! As a kid I was friends with a girl whose family had a Newfoundland. They are a particularly drooly breed, so you can imagine who I looked (and smelled, because dog slobber=yum!) every time I went over to her house.

bon said...

Tee Hee! Just please never use the dog on your Mormon BLOGGING friends!

Sugarmama said...

Ick. I loathe crotch-sniffing dogs. I assure you if my dog did that to you I'd boot him back in the house in complete outrage--no mild no's here! Of course, he's only a foot tall so this is extremely unlikely...