Pathetic?

I'm wondering if it's pathetic or possibly geeky to post something twice in one day. I'm sure there will be days when I won't have time to post at all so we can bank this one for those times. As I type it's almost as though I can feel the stress dribbling out of my fingers. Dribbling now that's a funny description. Maybe because my three month old is starting to teethe already and her mouth is constantly dribbling.

I tell people she's teething and they look at me like I am nuts. I get the "Oh, you are a first time mom. What do you know?" Nothing apparently. Only that Baby A is drooling, chewing on her fists while making angry squealing noises and her cheeks look like candied apples. And no she isn't hungry. In fact, she seems to have slightly lost her appetite. Tonight her dad walked around with her until she was practically passed out and then I nursed her. Before that she was screaming so hard and even harder when I tried to feed her.

I have issues about feeding my daughter. When I gave birth to her, I did so with the help of my wonderful midwife. They encourage breastfeeding as soon as possible after birth which I was totally cool with. I loved having a midwife and everything that they suggested, I knew was best for the baby. So before the cord was cut they brought her up to me and we were trying to do the feeding thing. Afterwards while I was being stiched up (only 7 stitches, so don't feel too bad) we were trying to do the feeding thing. Not ideal, but I was trying between winces. Although it was a natural birth with no drugs and she was born practically on her due date she didn't have a hot clue how to eat. Everyone kept saying "She's acting like a preemie or as if she'd had drugs during the birth." I guess my kid is a freak. I didn't have a home birth so when my midwife was not able to help me a lactation consultant or the on duty nurses tried to help. It was brutal. She would try for a while and then start flailing and screaming. I felt horrible. I had done a lot of reading before I had her and I thought I was prepared for breastfeeding being difficult. I hadn't read about this. We tried a nipple sheild. A nipple sheild with a tube under it, which they pushed the small amount of milk I had pumped through, to try to encourage her to suck. Then they fed her with a syringe and once with a tiny little medicine cup. This story could go on and on. Just ask my husband. To sum up. I pumped and we ended up feeding her my expressed milk in a bottle only after attempting to breastfeed first. And after a week in the hospital, which is nearly unheard of these days unless you or your baby are very ill, we went home. Bottle feeding.

I found this heartbreaking since I was really wanting to breastfeed. I felt like a failure but my daughter had to eat. The happy ending of this story is that my midwife came over twice a day for my first week at home to help me breastfeed and after what felt like eternity she finally started to figure it out. First a couple of times a day, then four or five and eventually she became an exclusive breastfeeder. Sigh. Unfortunately, three months down the road we still have our issues. My inexperienced first time mom opinion is that if something is bothering her, such as if she is over tired or teething it manifests itself in the way she eats. Or doesn't. It brings back all of those terrible feelings of inadequacy from when she was first born. Nothing feels worse to me than bringing my daughter to my breast and having her start hysterically crying. I thought it was supposed to be beautiful and sometimes it is. But just like the jerk at work who yells at you on an otherwise perfectly happy day, I can't always remember the beautiful times when she looks into my eyes as she gently sucks, swallows and her little fingers play with my shirt.

Oh, by the way I wasn't implying that my daughter is a jerk. She's very sweet. I just hate it when she screams at me.