I'm Sorry

As a new mom I have discovered a world of guilt that I could have never imagined. I have always been one of those annoying people who apologize for everything. You cough, I say I'm sorry. I realize it's not my fault that you coughed but I am sorry that you have a cough. You get me? I am aware of how annoying it is but I am compelled to apologize or feel guilty about everything. Since becoming a mother I am a million times worse. I feel guilty about things that are out of my control and some that are in my control but not necessarily worth feeling bad about.

It seems to me that almost every mom has feelings of inadequacy. It must be part of our genetic makeup. For myself it was my inability to feed my child when she was first born. I found myself thinking, “If I was really cut out for this mother thing I would be able to feed her.” Lucky for me I think stubbornness is also in a women's genetic makeup. It's definitely in mine. So, I stuck with it and eventually she learned to breastfeed. But in the back of my mind there is always this voice telling me I should have done better.

Now I am struggling with the fact that on January 4th I am going back to work. (Insert gasp)

EVERYONE: How much will you be working?
ME: Only for three days, not even part time.
EVERYONE: Who will look after her?
ME: She won't be at daycare with a stranger she'll be with her Auntie some of the time and her dad the rest of the time.
EVERYONE: Do you think that's as good as being with you?
ME: She'll be with family.
EVERYONE: Are you still going to breastfeed?
ME: Yes, I'm still going to breastfeed.
EVERYONE: Will she take a bottle?
ME: Yes, she will take a bottle.
EVERYONE: You realize how young she is don't you?
ME: Yes, I know she's only three and a half months old.
EVERYONE: You must not love her.
ME: Of course I love her!!
EVERYONE: So why are you doing this? Why are you abandoning your child so soon?
ME: Why? I feel I need to work at least a little to maintain my clients. If I lose my clientele I won't make enough money when I do go back full time.
EVERYONE: So you put your job and money before your daughter.
ME: No, money isn't more important than my daughter but if we can't pay our mortgage we'll have to move out of our house.
EVERYONE: You don't need a house to be happy and raise a child.
ME: Yes, I know we could live in a cardboard box and be happy as long as we loved each other.
EVERYONE: (Shakes head at me in a disappointed way.)
ME: You're right, I'm a terrible mother. I'm sorry.