I Have Something to Say. Finally.

It's shocking. I actually do. I've been feeling like a freeloader. Reading blogs, feeling connected to the writers and giving nothing in return. Well, except Twilight related videos. Oh and Elmo too. Anyway, I'm here. I really have been writing. I'm 22 pages into a story I started writing on Easter weekend. I'm really excited about it. Really. It's been very all consuming. Also, I just read this story. Frick. I put it down at one point and yelled at Peter for getting me to read it. I asked him, told him, there had better be a good reason why he begged me to read it. Asked him how much more would I have to endure before the @ss kicking I knew had to be coming? I'm glad I soldiered through.

This is the stuff I would appreciate feedback on. Okay. Here goes.

My TaeKwon Do instructor dropped the bomb on me this week that he thinks I should test for my 3rd Degree Black Belt. In November. This came as a gigantic surprise to me. Prior to my previous Black Belt examinations I had been training regularly. I hadn't had two children. I wasn't training a measly 90 minutes a week. I didn't think testing while training so little was even an option which is why the suggestion caught me so off guard.

On one hand I am flattered, that may be the wrong word but I'll go with it, that he has enough faith in me, in the small amount of time that I have to dedicate to training before November, to think I may be ready to test. He also admitted to me and the whole class that he also had somewhat selfish reasons for wanting his black belts to advance. Regardless, although I didn't expect it, I can't deny I'm interested. Of course I want to advance.

Now the other hand. The idea of actually embarking on this journey of training to 3rd Dan scares the crap out of me. Logistically, I have no idea how I'll be able to do it. How I can possibly be ready to test in amount of time I have to prepare. Another thing that worries me is how I will ever live up to my last test. Testing to my 2nd Dan was one of the things I am most proud of ever doing. Not the getting of the rank but the actual test. It was like an out of body experience. I was so prepared, so tuned in that while I was performing each task, especially my patterns by body took over and my mind was all like "Wow. You're doing awesome. Way to go!" and then I was like "Hey. My body is totally in auto pilot and I'm not even really paying attention to what it's doing." Except I was, or I must have been because I didn't mess up. I did awesome. So awesome that I impressed the Master who tested me and was invited to travel 4 hours to his city to train with him on weekends if I could. (I couldn't.) A part of me is really afraid of replacing that memory with one of me having a terrible test Scraping by. Feeling like I don't deserve the new rank.

So I'm not sure what to do. If I make the decision to do it I know I will commit wholeheartedly. Still, wholehearted now and wholehearted before two kids is different. I am finding the whole idea very daunting and I'm thinking it may be impossible to be as ready as I need to be.

AND... then there is this little matter of ROLLER DERBY starting up in my city. Roller. Derby. How cool is that? And I'm SO interested. But I can't do both. There is no way. I really am interested but I'm also wondering if my wanting doing to do it is just a good way to get out of training for my 3rd Dan.