I'm Alien(ated)

I will try quality above quantity this post because I have to work in two hours... Ugh... work. I'll save that for another post. Today I was thinking about me (because I'm self centered) and being a mother (Again). I was thinking about how cool it is because it's like you've joined a club. A club where other women have carried a child (usually), given birth (usually), and breastfed (usually). A club with members who have experienced sleep deprivation, hearing loss due to crying and mother guilt. And by that I mean a mother load of guilt as well. I feel special to be a part of this club even though sometimes it's members can be judgmental and hurtful to each other. I have witnessed this between others but have so far been blessed not to experience it myself. Unless you count my mom. She has always judged me, even before I became a mother.

What I have noticed is that once you join this club you become a little alienated from the people who are not in it. I think this may be why my husband and I weren't getting along during the first couple of months postpartum. He was not in my club. I had gone through a major transformation and he, well he was basically the same. I mean he had become a father but the physical and emotional trauma that I had been through had forever changed who I am. In those first months I felt so much anger towards him and had no idea why. I mean, sure it was annoying when he played guitar while we were watching 'Lost' but was it really THAT annoying? I felt like I was drifting away from him and he would never understand me again. This was very painful for me since my husband and I have always been very close. I am happy to say that my anger towards him has subsided and I am enjoying being a parent right alongside him. I think a new bridge has been built between us and this one is stronger than the last.

Now, that I am back out in the world more and back at work I am starting to notice this alienation from some of my friends and coworkers. Even people I used to work out with at the gym. I can almost hear them all thinking “Oh man, is she talking about labor, breastfeeding, her baby AGAIN!”. And yes, yes I am. Because that is my life right now. And if you don't like it, too bad. It is a strange feeling to have an imaginary wall between yourself and others whose company you had always enjoyed.

There also seems to be different mom clubs. For instance, mothers with grown kids sometimes have this air about them like “I have so been there and done that.” when you are talking about your baby. I feel like saying “Hey! I'm in the club too! I know you've been a member a lot longer than I have but can you give me a break? I could really benefit from your experience here.”.

I'm totally generalizing and I do realize that not everyone wants me to shut up about my baby, my labor and my boobs. In fact, some people want to hear about it! And not all mothers of kids older or totally grown up don't care about what I am experiencing now. In fact most of the good experiences I have had with other moms has been through reading and commenting on other's blogs and getting comments on my own. Most of the not so good ones have been with people that I know. People who I can see and touch and who live in the same city. It is here in the gargantuan world of the internet that I feel the most love. From people whom I have never seen (other than in pictures), will likely never meet and who live all over the world. How sweet it is.