Bye bye, Sweet Girl

So, I'm sitting here in my 'pretty' clothes (as apposed to my 'comfy' clothes - jeans or velour pants and a T-shirt) waiting as the minutes tick by before I abandon my daughter and head back to work for the first time since she was born! A kind and thoughtful friend of mine called me earlier to see if I was “quietly freaking out”. I think I put on a brave face, or voice rather. Maybe if she could see me she would see the bags under my eyes from laying awake worrying or the panic in my eyes that I just can't conceal.

It's like Audrey knows or something. She got up at 5:30 this morning. Then again at 9:30. She was up all the rest of the morning until noon and then only slept for a little over half an hour. I felt guilty (again with the guilt) for wanting her to sleep so that I could prepare for today. Make a sandwich for work to eat while I pump, make a casserole for my sister and niece who are babysitting her at my house tonight, write a blog about freaking out. She wasn't unhappy the entire time, she smiled at me a lot which hurt my heart even more. She wasn't very interested in eating which bothers me since she'll have to have a bottle while I'm gone and I was hoping to fill her up a bit. She's pulling and rubbing her ear a bit so now I'm thinking she may have an ear infection. It's like everything around me is screaming “Don't leave her!”

I will be leaving her though. In the capable hands of my wonderful sister who lost her oldest daughter Erin, of only 18 years old at the hands of a violent ex-boyfriend. I'm hoping that my Audrey Erin will help to heal her broken heart. That is the only consolation I may find in leaving her so soon to go slave away for the almighty buck.

I'll be thinking of my beautiful girl smiling a toothless grin at her when she wakes up from her nap only to find that her mother is no where to be found.

Erin Kristen Chorney