Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Slightly Melancholy

So I realize that my body is full of post pregnancy hormones which will obviously be affecting my feelings right now. Regardless, I think I would still be feeling this way.

It is hitting me now, almost two weeks after having Baby B that I will never be pregnant again. I mean, I know I could be, but I don't want to be. Not even though I'm feeling a bit sad about the realization of it.

It's crazy anyway. It's not like I have nice, enjoyable pregnancies. I barf my guts out. Barf so hard I pee in my pants. And I break my ankle. And the whole thing is pretty much a game of 'how much can one person endure in nine months'?

But there's the belly. Even though I complained about the comments I was getting, I personally loved the belly. It's so hard and round and miraculous. I look down at it's absence now and over at B and think, wow, she was in there.

And the kicking. The moving. The human being that you are growing inside of you is moving. And you wonder, wonder who this little person is. What they'll be like. Marvel at their strength.

And I won't experience those things again. I know I could. But I won't. And right now I'm having a bit of a hard time with that. Which I guess I should be happy about because I think it is a testament to my mental health this time around. With A at this point I was all, this is it I AM NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN! IN FACT, WHY DID I DO IT AT ALL? I THINK I HAVE RUINED MY LIFE! Yeah. For real. I thought that.

So, I guess I'm happy that I can even feel those sad feelings about never doing it again. I think it's actually a positive way to complete your family.

7 comments:

Jenn said...

I understand what you're saying completely!

bon said...

Yup...only I am feeling this sadness in advance of giving birth, but for the first time.

But not really. Although this IS my last. Heck... I don't know what I am talking about. At all.

elizasmom said...

Oh, I hear you on missing the belly. I loved having the belly, and I spend way too much time marveling at this long-legged girlie and thinking, she used to live INSIDE me!

Sugarmama said...

This is recent history for me, so I can definitely relate. Just shutting that part of yourself off forever is sad, I think. I'm going to be sorry to wean my baby, too, though I still have several months of nursing ahead of me. (Unless she weans herself!)

I was thinking I might be a baby holder volunteer at our local hospital one of these days to get my baby fix. Apparently they have this need at our hospital's NICU.

Dawnyel said...

*hugs* Seems to me like those are normal feelings!
Oh, and congrats on the new baby, she's beautiful!! :)

beth - total mom haircut said...

I think there is definitely a lot of mourning that goes along with that decision, and I imagine it will show itself more as your baby grows up. You're right though, it is part of completing the family and there is something to be said for that too.

Nicole said...

I'm right there with you. Every milestone I hit with Maddux made me a little sad because, if it's up to me, it will be the last one. The last size 1 diaper, 2, etc., the last infant carseat, the last trip in the baby bjorn, the last nursing sessions....