Numb

I stopped in to my workplace yesterday to pick something up. Our receptionist was the only one there since Monday the stylists don't work. We are chatting about nothing in particular until she hits me with it. “So, how do you feel about the book?”

'The Book' she is referring to is this one. If anyone ever told me ten years ago that a book like this would be written about a member of my family, I never would have believed them. Or if I did, I would have prayed every night that it wouldn't happen. But it did happen.

So the big question is, how do I feel about 'the book'? It's difficult to explain. The easy answer is that I'm not surprised. I mean, the whole thing is like an episode of CSI. It was begging to be written about. But see, it really happened. To us. To Erin.

The author, Mike McIntyre was on the very same program I appeared on in October just last week to promote his book. I have a hard time hearing him say things like "It's all very exciting" in regards to the launch. I was thinking "It's all very sad" might have been more appropriate. I just shot him an email asking about the proceeds of the book. I hadn't asked my sister a lot of questions. I knew the book was being written. I recently found out that my sister and her husband were unable to keep it from being written. They decided to contribute in hopes that people might be able to see past her being a victim or a troubled teen and glimpse the person that she was.

The thought of people reading a book about my nieces horrific murder and the subsequent investigation/RCMP sting as though it is just an interesting story disturbs me. The fact that pictures like this one have been used, one which I took of her and another niece (who was cropped out), makes me feel ill.



I often wonder if I've even begun to heal from this tragedy. I have tried to be strong for my mother, for my sister and for her other children. Peter is really the only person who has witnessed those times when I have crumbled into sobbing heap somewhere from the unbearable sorrow. And then I pick myself up (with his help) and carry on because I see my sister do it every day and I know that it is much, much harder for her.

So when people ask me about what happened, or about the book, I tell them what I think. I don't cry. I'm not angry. It's not because I don't care. It's because I am numb. I only hope that once the hype dies down from this book launch things will get back to 'normal' again. Because it has really stirred up a lot of pain for the people who are living with her loss. And we've all had enough pain to last us a lifetime.