Two Months I Can Never Get Back
Last night I went to my Le Leche League meeting. There was a mother there with a three week old daughter. I couldn't believe how tiny she was. And how quiet. Even when she cried you could hardly notice. I thought she was beautiful and I totally appreciated her. And that made me very sad.
I think I have a sort of stress induced amnesia which encompasses the first two months after Audrey was born. Most of what I remember from that time is the stress, pumping, lack of sleep and bad dreams. What I remember most about her specifically is her not eating, screaming at me, scratching her face in anger, staying up crying all night – twice and crying during any car ride. What I don't remember is how tiny she was, her cute little face or times when she was sleeping peacefully. Thank goodness I took a lot of pictures so that I can enjoy them now and see how gorgeous she was. I wish I could go back in time and really enjoy that time with her but it is forever gone and I missed it. It makes me feel ill and I hate myself for it.
We are planning to have one more child although we are going to wait until Audrey is about two before we start trying. I am already imagining how different it will that time. It doesn't make me feel any better about not enjoying Audrey the way that I should have. I try to think if there was any way that I could have dealt with that better. More support? If someone could have warned me what was going to happen before I gave birth? I don't know.
I feel as though I cheated her of a more positive start. I am glad to have finally learned to cope with being a mother and I can see that she feels more comfortable with me also. She trusts me and is a much more relaxed baby.
I have this strong desire to support new mom's and try to prepare them for this time. To let them know that everything that they are thinking and feeling is normal. The thought of anyone feeling the way I did upsets me. If I could help just a few mom's that would give me a great sense of accomplishment.
I can't help but wonder sometimes if the challenges Audrey and I faced during our first two months together made us closer. That a bond was formed which can never be broken. The thought of that possibility gives me comfort when I want to go back and start all over.
4 comments:
ahhh, Mama D...
I feel the same way about my Birdie. Finally with baby # three I have come into my own, and I can really enjoy her infancy. That may be due to a combination of factors, the biggest of which is that I've gotten a handle on a hormonal imbalance, I've had practice and now have very. low. expectations of how stuff happens. Plus she's a pretty chill baby. Here's to a happier postpartum with the next greatest thing!
I think it goes too fast no matter what you do. It’s easier to say "I should have..." when you are on the outside looking at someone else's child or are looking back on your own experience. I've gone through the same painful, overpowering nostalgia every time though for different reasons. With #1 I thought I was just too eager to get to the next stage to appreciate what I had. With #2 I thought I was too busy taking care of #1 (who was constantly on the go) to appreciate #2. Now, with #3 I feel like I was cheated out of the time by colic, postpartum healing...etc.
I don't know if it's possible to keep a new mother from experiencing this. I love your post though because it reminds us that it’s NORMAL to feel this way.
Trust that you did as well as you could at the time, live in the here-and-now, and know that each new stage will bring its own memories.
The first 6 weeks of my son's life were super hard on me as well. I don't look back on the early days with fondness. I felt so guilty, especially after trying for so long to have a baby. But we are so bonded now and I know a little better what to do next time. Don't beat yourself up. Reading "Down Came the Rain" really helped me realize it was ok to have a hard time in the beginning.
I'm sure that DID help with your bond, and you ARE likely to have an easier time with the second one. If only because you're prepared for what it can be like, and not because the baby him/herself is actually any easier (though that can also happen). Blogging about all this is a great way to support other new moms, too, in my opinion.
Post a Comment