The Sad Truth
Yesterday while driving baby A to my sisters before heading to work I had a moment. As much as I have been saying how guilty I feel that I have been enjoying work, and that's not a lie, I miss being at home with Audrey too. I was thinking as I drove about how right about the time I started working was when I really began to enjoy my little girl. Maybe that only happened because of going back to work but I don't think so. I think she just started to be a lot of fun at that point. The really hard part was over and I could finally deal with being a mother.
I began to mourn the time I was missing with her. I really love her. This seems like an obvious thing for a mother to love her baby but there was honestly a time when I didn't know if I did. I knew I should love her but I just didn't feel like I did. Although I have written a lot about how hard being a mother is and how depressed I felt at first, it has taken me a while to admit that I didn't think I loved her. What kind of a mother doesn't know if she loves her newborn baby? Apparently this one didn't. I had small flickers of affection for her but I was so consumed by the sleep deprivation, the feeding issues... did I mention the sleep deprivation? I just thought “This is my life now. Like it or not, you are a mother. Now deal with it.” I felt sorry for my baby because she had a mother like me and I felt sorry for myself because this was not the kind of mother I'd dreamt I'd be. And I really didn't think anything was ever going to change.
But it has. I am excited to see her in the morning. It feels like Christmas every time I creep into her room and peer into her crib. Often she's already awake and when she sees me she smiles excitedly at me. I sing silly songs to her about changing her bum or what will we wear today? Her giggles make me cry happy tears. She holds my hand while she eats and I stare at her. I can't believe I helped to make such a perfect human being. Then I realized that this is it. I am in love. My heart feels like it will burst from loving her so much.
Later as I walk to my car after dropping her off with her Auntie I take a deep breath and focus on something else. I don't want to cry. I'm just so happy to finally be the mother that I knew I could be.
3 comments:
What kind of a mother are you? You're the kind that's just like MANY OTHERS. I know I felt the same way with my first one--like I had a huge new responsibility, but the love hadn't quite kicked in yet. It's totally normal and in no way makes you a bad mother! It sounds like you really miss her at work--hope the pumping continues to be doable for you.
Awww, I love the comments you've gotten on this!
My favorite part of your post was about how you feel like its Christmas every time you creep into her room. That describes it so aptly!
My heart aches when I read about how you are torn between work and home. I've been there too. Just keep telling yourself that working makes you a better mother. Both moms who stay home and moms who work give their children precious gifts - just different ones. When I worked I kept wanting to be home because I thought I was missing out. Now that I'm home, I feel like my daughter is missing out on the positive things she would have learned and gained if she was away from me during the day.
You are an AWESOME mother and keep telling yourself that!
I guess the balance is in believing in yourself and the choice that your made. (though I'm still struggling with that yet too.)
Just stumbled across your site and SO relieved to see that I'm not the only new mom here who feels the way you described. My cherub is only 6 weeks old and I'm finally, slowly starting to truly feel the love. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who sat there the first couple weeks thinking "What have I gotten myself into"!
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