A Letter

Dear Grandpa,

I missed you this weekend when we went to visit Grandma. I think you really would have enjoyed my company since I have become so entertaining. Mommy could almost hear you laughing at all the silly things I was doing.

You would have loved being outside with me. Watching me run around, point at the birds and climb the picnic table, chattering all the time. I loved eating your raspberries and I especially loved picking apples off the apple tree. I kept saying “Ap-POLE!” I would eat the whole thing even the core. Grandma said that was just what you used to do.









I also liked wearing your hat. The red one with paint all over it. And then I tried on Grandma's shoes. I haven't learned how to tie them up yet though so that was frustrating.



I also love your cat. I didn't learn to say his name but I called him “Kiddy!”. If no one was watching I'd help him eat his food by putting it into a different bowl for him, bit by bit. He seemed to like this. I also lay right down on the floor next to him and watched him eat. Very interesting!



I miss you Grandpa. I miss your songs and rhymes. I miss sitting on your knee and falling asleep with you.

Everyone else misses you too.

Love,
A

Far From Normal

Right now I am feeling rather awkward. Everything is still fresh and painful and I don't feel like writing about everyday life again yet. So it's either write nothing or write more about my feelings. Since this blog is ultimately therapy through writing I guess I know what I need to do.

One of the most difficult things about losing my father in law is that my own family who I am very close to just can't really grasp my loss. I find this very alienating and I can't help but feel very detached from them at the moment. Since Peter is still with his mom right now and A and I are at home alone I have been feeling very introspective.

I think I have had an unusual relationship with my in laws compared with most people. Usually you hear horror stories about overbearing mother in laws or intimidating father in laws. I could only describe my relationship as amazing.

When I started dating Peter he was living with his parents. Since they lived two hours away when I would visit it would be for the entire weekend. This gave me a unique opportunity to get to know them better and more quickly than one would usually get to know their boyfriend's parents. Luckily for me I think they liked me from the start. I think part of this might have been because they were relieved that their shy and introverted son had actually met someone. I didn't have to pretend to like them because they were fantastic. I will never forget and will forever cherish our long breakfast chats about everything and anything.

Although I had many years to get to know my father in law yet I can't help feeling now that I never really appreciated them. Sort of like if you had a lot of money for a long time but you spent it frivolously and then when you found yourself broke one day you realized that you should have paid more attention and been more careful about your spending. I feel like there were many things I had yet to tell him. Things I wish he had known.

I wish I had been able to tell him how much I appreciated the way he welcomed me into his family. Made me feel loved like one of his own children. That I felt closer to him than I do to my own father. How much it meant to me that he was so involved in our lives and in the life of our daughter. How much I admired the way he loved his wife, sons and grandchildren.

I really hope he knew how much I loved him and how much I would miss him when he was gone.

Saying Goodbye

The funeral was on Friday afternoon. I left Miss A with her Grandma for Friday night. My first night away from her. Not the most ideal circumstances. It was nice to know that she was in good hands as well as a relief to be able to be there for Peter and his family without also having to worry about my toddlers needs.

The day wasn't as awful as I had expected. I think my husband was right when he told me he thought we'd all done most of our grieving at the hospital the previous weekend. I think there will be much grieving to come as the reality of his absence sinks in.

I have already been missing his weekly emails. He wrote in such a way that you could actually hear him speaking to you while you read. This is an excerpt from an email he sent me after my birthday in August.

“Well 'D' do you feel really old now? I am glad you have reached 30. It won't be long until you are forty and then you will realize how much wiser you are.”

Words cannot express how much I miss him already. The only thing that makes me feel less sorry for myself is thinking of how much Peter, his brothers and his mother must miss him.

I wish that A was older and knew him better. They would have been great friends. They already were. I am glad we have so many pictures of them together like this one from Christmas.



At times pictures can speak louder than words.

Loss

On Thursday night our world began falling apart piece by piece. It all started with a phone call from Peter's mom telling us that his dad was in the hospital. Apparently he'd been struggling with a bad cold for a while. When he became weak and had no appetite she decided to take him to the doctor. We were worried but tried to be rational and stay calm. Adding insult to injury Miss A wasn't feeling well and was up most of the night. She and I slept about two and a half hours that night. In the morning just before Peter left for work we got a call from his brother. Dad had been moved to ICU in the middle of the night. He had suffered a heart attack brought on by pneumonia. The rest is a blur.

We both went to work and later that day I received a call from Peter saying that his brother had called and told him to come right away. I followed soon after with A. The roads were terrible for the last 40 minutes of our drive. When we arrived we went straight to the hospital. I would love to be able to say that when I saw my father in law I put on a brave face. I would love to say that I didn't hold his hand and turn my face away because I didn't want him to see me crying. This man had been more of a father to me than my own.

Peter and his two brothers were amazing. Their hearts were breaking yet at times they were able to joke with each other and make each other laugh. I watched them in awe of their strength. Peter's mom was so brave. She sat by her husband's side for hours on end, holding his hand.

Although we were told that he would be gone within hours of the phone call Peter had received on Friday afternoon it carried on much, much longer. My father in law was a fighter and he was the strongest person I have ever known.

We got the call yesterday morning that he had passed away. We had made the difficult decision to come home on Sunday afternoon because we honestly had no idea how long things could carry on that way. I asked Peter if he was sorry that we decided to come home, he tells me he's not.

Everyone here and there are exhausted. Days of very little or no sleep have caught up to us. Since Peter and I were both sick at the start of this ordeal the stress and lack of sleep have only made things worse. Peter has a back and shoulder injury which has tightened up with stress making it nearly impossible for him to be comfortable and is interfering with his sleep.

Through all of this Miss A has been astounding. She contentedly played in the tiny ICU waiting room for hours while we all took turns sitting at the bedside. She slept remarkably well though not in her own bed. Slept through 2:00 am phone calls and commotion in the night. She traveled perfectly, sleeping most of the trips each way even though she'd already napped and yet she still went to bed at a decent hour. And she has been an angel since our return. She has brought joy to us with her giggles and smiles. Joy that we are so badly in need of.