Hey, Let Me Out of Here

Do you ever have that feeling that you are trapped inside yourself? What I mean is, do you ever feel like the real you is on the inside watching this other, awful version of yourself behave horribly?

I've been feeling like this a lot lately. Like I'm inside listening to myself talking to Miss A in a way that I don't like, hearing that edge to my voice, knowing that I'm being overly harsh. Sure I can say that I'm tired from being up with the baby for an hour or so each night. That it's wearing me down. It's true but I feel it's a cop out. Miss A didn't have a choice about when we decided to have another baby. She couldn't tell us to wait until she was a little older or a little less demanding so that I wouldn't get so frustrated with her all of the time. Although, I'm honestly not sure if that would make a difference.

I know that when I'm getting after her it's for a reason it's just on those days when I feel disconnected from myself I hate the tone I am taking with her, how I sound when I'm disciplining her, how unnecessarily harsh I am. It makes me sick actually. And even though I recognize myself doing it, I can't seem to stop. Not at the time or in the future. It's a terrible feeling.

I'm hoping this lack of patience and calm is just a product of sleep deprivation in which case it won't last forever. Also, Miss A started preschool TODAY!! So perhaps spending a little bit more time apart, when she can have fun, learn, and be stimulated and I can... do whatever I need to do, will help the situation. AND Peter and I are taking a yoga class together starting tonight! With any luck this will chill us both out a little, give us a break to spend time together and make us feel refreshed. We can only hope!

In the meantime, here is my school girl!

Different

Yesterday we went to have some pictures taken. Maternity photos. You know the ones I mean. They are sweet, artsy photos of the belly and it's family. We did them when I was pregnant with Miss A and they are quite lovely. The end result a three picture collage hangs in her bedroom.

This time it was decidedly more... difficult. I had visions of how wonderful it would be to have photos of the three of us and the belly. I was kicking myself afterwards for not preparing myself for what actually did happen. Because, after all, I know my child. It wasn't that long ago that we had this experience.

So yeah, Miss A was SO not interested in getting her picture taken despite every persuasion we could think of including putting stickers on the 'baby'. We managed to get two (TWO!) shots with her in them. And who knows if they'll be any good. We also took some with just Peter and I because, well, at least we were cooperating.

I'm sure they will be fine but I couldn't help being a bit disappointed. I hate it when situations arise and I find myself wishing that A could just be - different. (Like maybe, not climbing all over the photography props instead of posing with us for a few photos for pete's sake!!!) If only I could have just had Lynanne come over to take a few shots. I'm sure she would have been able to work miracles!

And then later when we were curled up on the couch together I felt guilty for ever wishing she was different. She wouldn't be her if she just posed nicely for the pictures. She'd be a totally different kid. And I love her, spunk and all.

The Best and the Worst

The best things Miss A is doing right now.

-Saying "Bless you!" when people sneeze. (I personally am doing a lot of this right now due to allergy season.) This evening she called "Bless you!" all the way from the living room while I was doing dishes in the kitchen and sneezed. My heart went all warm and fuzzy.

-Pretending. Especially pretend picnics and tea parties.

-Saying "Thank you" without being reminded.

The worst things. (This list might be longer than the first...)

-Not sleeping well.

-Sometimes refusing to do even the simplest things. Example: Putting on her jacket and shoes even when she WANTS to go where we are going.

-Screaming "Don't say DAT!"

-In general, being difficult about almost everything.

I'll stop there because I don't want to dwell on the negative. There's always good and bad in everything right?

What a Bad Idea

Yesterday Peter and I took Miss A to something called 'The Preschool Wellness Fair'. The purpose is to screen vision, hearing, development and speech/language. And the kids also get a free nutritious snack! Sounds great, right? That's what I thought until we walked in the door. It was pretty much chaos from the very beginning. While I sat down to register her she and Peter were running up and down a nearby ramp. I had dragged Peter to this thing pretty much upon his arrival home from work so he hadn't even had a chance to unwind.

The first (and only) screening we did was speech/language. They had a special room for this and outside the room was a few chairs and a very few toys. Trying to convince Miss A that we should stay in this area was an impossibility. She found the stairs at the end of the corridor which she wanted to 'explore'. I told the people at the desk where we'd be when it was our turn. I felt guilty because my poor husband was pretty much souly responsible for chasing after A since I am still pretty gimpy and this big (massive, huge, enormous) belly doesn't help either.

When it was finally our turn we pretty much had to drag her, crying, away from the stairs and tell her "Come on, we're going to do something fun." We were all supposed to sit at this little table and A was to look at pictures and tell us what they were. Yeah. Right. A table full of toys just behind us was WAY more interesting. I apologized to the girl and told her I was going to get the free snack and see if that would help. It did, a bit. It's always helpful to screen speech and language when you have a mouthful of crackers. When she finally settled down to answer she did great. Except for a part with a small basket and boat. She was asked to put the boat 'in' the basket. No problem. Under, beside, behind? All went 'in' the basket too. Whatever.

The vision screening (which we've basically already done) was in a huge room with tons of play areas. There were craft tables, playdough tables, car ramps, tunnels, you name it. We waited for at least a half an hour until it was our turn. A was happy to play so it wasn't so bad. But when it was her turn... forget it. No way. It was at that point we decided to leave.

All in all it was a pretty frustrating experience. I'm not totally sure what went wrong. I think it may have been a combination of things. I guess A was a bit young. But since she's supposed to be going to Preschool this fall I thought it was a good thing to do. The layout of the 'fair' is a bit overwhelming. Hard for a kid like ours to want to actually do something structured when there is SO MUCH COOL STUFF EVERYWHERE! I don't know. I was very thankful for Peter who somehow managed to keep it together as I was progressively losing it.

I know it's dumb but if I'm really honest with myself I'm disappointed because I know Miss A is really bright and I wanted to see her do well at all of the screenings. The thing is, I already KNOW she's bright. I don't really need proof. This whole thing was probably more of a learning experience for me than anything. At least now I can't say I don't know what that whole thing is about. Maybe we'll try again next year and maybe it won't be such a total bust.